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Band 4.5

Nowadays both men and women spend a lot of money on beauty care. This was not so in the past. What may be the root cause of this behavior? Discuss the reasons and possible results.

#men #women #money #beauty #care #was #root #behavior #results
In recent years, we have found out that men and women spend a fortune on cosmetics unlike in the past. In
this
essay
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essay,
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i
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I
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 will discuss the
trigers
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triggers
 of
this
behavior
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behaviour
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 and the possible results. Back
then
, beauty care was considered to be a thing for women only, but with the passage of time
man
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men
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 have significantly joined the race. Everyone
seem
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seems
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 to be uncontent with how they look and they
are
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apply
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are willing to part with a lot of money to enhance their looks.
For example
,
dark skinned
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dark-skinned
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people
 envy to be
light skinned
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light-skinned
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, they buy
skin bleaching
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skin-bleaching
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 products to change the pigment of their skin. Some go on for surgeries to alter their facial looks,
for
example
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example,
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 lips enlargement,
chin
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and chin
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 altering. I believe the main reason for
this
 is caused by the influence of social media.
People
given
Verb problem
are
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pressure
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pressured
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 by these
so called
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so-called
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 social media influencers who
potrays
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portray
light skinned
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light-skinned
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 and
slim bodied
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slim-bodied
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people
 as the most beautiful than the rest.
Therefore
, most
dark skinned
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dark-skinned
show examples
 and fat
people
 start to feel like they are not perfect
hence
 resorting to artificial beauty care. We have
also
 seen challenges of big buttocks, and everyone is thinking
increasing
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about increasing
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sizes
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the sizes
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 of their hips. They go for surgeries to
exract
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extract
 belly fat and put it on their behinds. Having done all
this
, these
male
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males
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 and females are ignoring the side effects that
comes
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come
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 with these products. Some of the products cause undesirable damage to one's image.
For
instance
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instance,
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 they can burn the skin and you end up with patches looking like a leopard.
Submitted by sisalt100 on

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Task Achievement
To enhance your score, ensure you discuss both reasons and results thoroughly. While you mentioned reasons such as social media and societal pressures, the discussion on results was minimal. Incorporate more on the consequences of beauty care pursuits, both positive and negative, to provide a balanced argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
For improved coherence and cohesion, structure your essay with clear paragraphs, each dedicated to a single idea. Begin paragraphs with topic sentences that introduce the paragraph's main idea, followed by explanatory sentences, and conclude with a sentence that rounds off the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
To foster a logical flow, link your ideas and paragraphs with appropriate transition words and phrases such as 'Furthermore', 'Moreover', 'However', and 'Consequently'. This will make your arguments more coherent and your essay easier to follow.
Task Achievement
Present a balanced view by discussing a wider range of reasons and results, and ensure each point is well-explained and supported with specific examples. Consider including the perspectives of beauty care as empowerment or self-expression, alongside the critique of societal pressures.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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