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Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
A circumstance in which the daily
use
 of smartphones by
children
 has been exaggerated stems from their parental influence. From my perspective,
this
 is a negative trend
due to
 the adverse effects that technologies can have on
children
's mental and physical
health
. Undoubtedly, parents play a significant role in affecting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
's
use
 of electronic devices. To explain
further
,
children
 usually model their parent's activities regardless of whether those are good for them or not.
Therefore
, if parents devote abundant time to using gadgets, the young will do the same, leading to an even worse case where
children
 are given full permission to
use
 their smartphones on a daily basis.
Consequently
, they have no chance to stay away from those portable gadgets. With the frequent
use
 of phones,
children
 can have a higher possibility
to suffer
Change preposition
of suffering
show examples
 from physical
health
 problems. Indeed, young individuals tend to overly focus on using their gadgets, making them have no time for any physical exercises to burn off calories they take
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
Overtime
Correct your spelling
Over time
show examples
, their bodies will reach the limit sooner or later, allowing diabetes and obesity to appear. Meanwhile, mental
health
 issues can
also
 be associated with the lengthy
use
 of devices. Once
children
 finish their
use
, they may experience a slight or severe headache which potentially triggers serious mental
health
 concerns,
such
 as depression or anxiety. If not managed properly, they are prone to have difficulty in concentration
coupled with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
emotional control. In conclusion, the excessive amount of time that
children
use
 smartphones is mainly attributed to parental influence.
This
 has a detrimental impact on
children
's
health
, both mentally and physically.
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task achievement
Ensure a clear thesis statement in the introduction that answers the question directly.
coherence and cohesion
Include more varied transition phrases to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
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coherence and cohesion
Revise and ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to your main argument, enhancing the essay's overall cohesion.
task achievement
Consider addressing counterarguments or providing a balanced perspective to deepen your analysis and demonstrate critical thinking.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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