IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, many processed
food
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 and drink
products
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 contain high amounts of
sugar
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 to enhance their taste.
However
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, excessive
sugar
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consumption
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 has been linked to various health issues,
such
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 as obesity and diabetes. Some argue that increasing the price of sugary
products
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 would discourage
people
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 from consuming them.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and provide a reasoned conclusion. In the past decade,
sugar
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 has become a crucial ingredient for manufacturers in the
food
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 and beverage industry.
However
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, raising the prices of sugary
products
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 may not necessarily deter consumers from purchasing them;
instead
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, it could contribute to inflation.
For instance
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, in my country, the government imposed heavy taxes on alcoholic beverages, forcing
people
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 to pay significantly higher prices. Despite
this
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, alcohol
consumption
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 remained largely unchanged.
Similarly
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, increasing the cost of sugary
products
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 could disproportionately affect lower-income groups, making it harder for them to afford essential
food
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 items
while
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 having little impact on
overall
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sugar
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consumption
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.
On the other hand
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, a more effective solution could be regulating the amount of
sugar
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 in
food
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 and beverages rather than increasing prices. Governments could introduce policies that limit the
sugar
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 content in processed
products
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, ensuring healthier
consumption
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 patterns without imposing financial burdens on consumers.
This
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 approach would be more beneficial in the long run, as it would promote healthier eating habits
while
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 still allowing
people
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 to afford their preferred
products
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.
Moreover
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, educating the public about the dangers of excessive
sugar
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 intake through awareness campaigns could encourage
people
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 to make healthier choices voluntarily. In conclusion, raising the price of sugary
products
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 is not a sustainable solution to reducing
sugar
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consumption
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.
Instead
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, governments should focus on regulating
sugar
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 content and educating consumers about its health risks. Based on similar cases observed in my country,
such
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 regulatory measures have proven to be more effective in addressing public health concerns.

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task achievement
To enhance the response, consider using more varied examples that are specific and directly related to the sugar consumption issue, such as successful sugar tax implementations around the world.
coherence cohesion
Review transitions between paragraphs to ensure smooth flow. While logical structure is good, minor improvements in transitioning between ideas can elevate it further.
coherence cohesion
The essay effectively introduces the topic and provides a clear conclusion that summarizes the key points.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well-supported and logically organized, making the essay easy to follow.
task achievement
The response fully addresses the task, presenting a balanced discussion with a clear viewpoint and conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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