IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Playing computer games only has negative effects on children. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#computer #games #effects #children
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Nowadays video
game
 industry is a huge trend, and society
claim
Change the verb form
claims
show examples
 that
games
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 effect on
children
. I strongly
diasgree
Correct your spelling
disagree
 with
this
 statement, first of all, because most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
computer
games
 have a lot of positive
ascpets
Correct your spelling
aspects
, and can be used to teach
children
 using
gamefication
Correct article usage
the gamefication
show examples
 factor. There are a lot of computer
games
 with
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
different genres, which are informative or useful, and the reason for
this
 is the fact that people in general
likes
Fix the agreement mistake
like
show examples
 to play complex
games
. The most popular one is a
game
 named Dota, there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 even
world wide
Correct your spelling
worldwide
show examples
 competitions with huge budgets. In
this
game
Add a comma
game,
show examples
 players should work in a team and create a strategy considering different characters and their abilities.
In addition
,
while
 playing user should always be engaged
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
game
 and have fast reflexes to rapidly react.
Furthermore
,
studying
Correct article usage
the studying
show examples
 process can be turned into a
game
. There is
such
 a
termin
Correct your spelling
term
 as a
gamefication
Correct your spelling
gamification
 which is used in different
spehers
Correct your spelling
spheres
 to attract and motivate people to action. That tool may be used to teach
children
 fundamental
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
 in almost every field.
For instance
,
studying
Rephrase
when studying
show examples
 languages
while
 playing, to complete a level
children
 should do a task,
after
Correct word choice
and after
show examples
 that they would receive points.
Therefore
,
children
 would study and at the same time have fun from
entertainment
Correct article usage
the entertainment
show examples
 part of the
game
. There
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a lot of
games
 that are informative, and more can be created to serve educational purposes
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because video
games
just
Add a missing verb
are just
show examples
 an instrument that can be used rightly by people. I strongly disagree with
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 statement that all computer
games
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 just drawbacks and negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
.
Submitted by dyussenovaanel on

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Task Achievement
To improve your score in Task Achievement, ensure you thoroughly address the question prompt by providing a balanced view if the essay asks for it. Although you clearly disagreed with the statement, adding a brief acknowledgement of possible disadvantages before refuting them would enhance your argument's persuasiveness and completeness.
Coherence and Cohesion
To strengthen Coherence and Cohesion, work on organizing your ideas more logically by using clearer topic sentences that directly relate to the thesis. This approach helps the reader understand the main point of each paragraph before delving into details. Additionally, employ a wider variety of linking phrases to smoothly connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider revising your introduction and conclusion for a stronger impact. Begin with a more engaging hook and clearly state your thesis in the introduction. In the conclusion, succinctly summarize your main points and restate your position, providing a clear resolution to the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • strategic thinking
  • spatial awareness
  • hand-eye coordination
  • reaction times
  • social isolation
  • detrimental effects
  • behavior and attitude
  • multiplayer and online games
  • fostering
  • addiction
  • obesity
  • eyestrain
  • prolonged screen time
What to do next:
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