Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think this is a positive/negative development?

There has been a growing concern revolving around the
trend
in which plenty of
children
spend hours and hours daily playing on their
smartphones
which is
due to
the unconditional allowance of
parents
. The writer of
this
essay believes that
this
negatively impacts the
children
’s mental health
as well as
prompts addiction to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smart
devices
in
Change preposition
for
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a prolonged period. The frequent use of
smartphones
by
children
is mainly
due to
the lack of supervision
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
kids
in
parents
.
This
is not normally the case but as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time
goes by,
instead
of spending
time
playing with their
kids
, more and more couples choose
smartphones
as the
assistant
Fix the agreement mistake
assistants
show examples
as well as
the
toy
Fix the agreement mistake
toys
show examples
for their
kids
to play
.
Change preposition
with.
show examples
Although
the fault is not of some
parents
owing to the heavy workload they have to deal with, letting
children
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
play alone prolongedly will eventually impact the bond between family members, as
children
see themselves lack of connection and company of the
parents
.
Nevertheless
, despite the possible benefits,
smartphones
simultaneously pose a threat to the young generation because of their latent, adverse effects on the user’s mental health. The foremost impact that can be noticed is that more and more
children
much
time
on
smartphones
are
Correct word choice
and are
show examples
likely to suffer from psychiatric illnesses unless they do not acknowledge how to protect themselves from cyberbullying or worse, involving in
cyber-crime
Correct your spelling
cybercrime
show examples
.
For instance
, many articles have reported that young people who frequently surf the Internet have a higher chance of being victims of online perpetrators, at around 35%. Another worrying issue about
this
trend
is the high possibility of becoming addicted to
smartphones
as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
play
them
Change preposition
with them
show examples
daily. Simply put, the phenomenon could be explained by knowing that the more
time
children
spend on their phones, the higher the amount of dopamine, a hormone of excitement, that the brain releases.
As a result
, after a long
time
playing with
the
Change the word
their
show examples
phones,
children
will feel frustrated and most likely to be distracted from other activities as they can not stay focused until
there
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
is
Verb problem
use
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an appearance of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones
. In brief,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
are dependent on these smart
devices
and eventually, in the worst case, they are believed to harm anybody who
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
not let them play the
smartphones
. In conclusion, the growing
trend
of
children
using
smartphones
daily is a cause for concern on the grounds of
parents
‘ reliance on these
devices
in babysitting their
kids
.
Although
to some extent, there are still advantages of
this
trend
,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
overusing
smartphones
can make
children
develop mental health issues and cause addiction to the smart
devices
.
Therefore
, if positive changes are made by
parents
and
children
themselves,
children
will no longer suffer from the destructive habit.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure a clear, logical flow of ideas throughout your essay. While you have an introduction and conclusion, enhancing the transitional phrases between paragraphs could improve readability.
Task Achievement
Integrate more specific examples to support your points. Though you mentioned a statistic about young people and internet usage, adding real-life examples or studies could strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Develop a more nuanced position on the topic. While you've addressed the negative impacts of smartphone usage among children, acknowledging potential positive aspects and then arguing why the negatives outweigh them can provide a more balanced and compelling argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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