IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree whit this statement?

#say #people #age #work #whit
The global
Correct article usage
Global
show examples
 life expectancy is said to be constantly increasing,
where
Correct word choice
and
show examples
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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 tend to live longer than ever before.
This
 has raised some arguments that the
retirement
age
 should be increased greatly. It might be true that putting the
age
 of
retirement
 limit higher can have some advantages. One of the upsides is that it can support the life of older people longer by giving them more time to fill up their savings.
Nevertheless
, the stakeholders need to consider the health aspect of these elderly communities as well. The
age
 limit was set based on several geriatric considerations.
Thus
, setting the limit higher might badly influence the individual itself, both physically and psychologically.
For instance
, if they are asked to work a nine-to-five job for a few more years, there is no guarantee that they would not experience lower back pain or migraine more severely, let alone
dealing
Wrong verb form
deal
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 with boredom and other psychic conditions. Keeping the elderly
work
Replace the word
working
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 longer past their
retirement
age
 is
also
 beneficial for companies and institutions since they are the experts
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 that field, especially in medical, research, or other professional fields that
requires
Change the verb form
require
show examples
long
Add an article
a long
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 journey for
younger
Add an article
the younger
a younger
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 generation to get into those positions.
However
,
this
also
erects
Verb problem
creates
show examples
 another problem: the lack of employment for young people. Younger generations nowadays are facing difficulties in getting
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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,
which
Correct word choice
and
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 lots of them
fell
Wrong verb form
fall
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 into some traps of underpaid jobs. Giving opportunities for the youngsters to take
the
Change the word
their
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 place and contribute
in
Change preposition
to
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 society might help the economy so that the older generation can get enough pension and rest easy.
Moreover
, by working a decent job, the youngsters can help the elderly in the family too so that
this
 systemic problem can be minimised. All in all, raising the
age
 of
retirement
 is not the only way to take care of the elderly. In order to strengthen their health and extend their longevity, some other solutions can be implemented,
such
 as letting the younger generation
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
take over the wheel and giving enough more
pension
Fix the agreement mistake
pensions
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 to those who
deserve
Correct pronoun usage
deserve it
show examples
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Ensure you address the essay question directly, providing a clear opinion on the topic. Your introduction should clearly state your stance on whether you agree or disagree with raising the retirement age.
task achievement
Develop your arguments by including more relevant, specific examples that support your points. General statements can be strengthened with real-life scenarios, research findings, or comparative analysis.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a logical flow of ideas from one paragraph to the next. Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the main idea, and cohesive devices (e.g., furthermore, however, in contrast) to link sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introductory paragraph that presents the topic and your viewpoint, followed by body paragraphs that delve into your arguments, and a conclusion that summarizes your thoughts and restates your stance.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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