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Band 5.5

Some people think that watching sports is a waste of leisure time. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #sports #waste #leisure #time
Generally,
sport
 is often considered as a good time.
Although
 there are different
behavioral
Change the spelling
behavioural
show examples
 patterns around it: whilst one can actually play
sport
Correct article usage
a sport
show examples
, one prefers just to observe it. Even though actually playing
sports
 is
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
preferable, I believe that watching
sports
 might have some positive effects as well. First of all, watching
sports
 could be considered as a plausible reason to spend time together.
In other words
, it gives us the feeling of unity with our families, friends and
neighbors
Change the spelling
neighbours
show examples
.
Not to mention
 the factor of national and especially international championships, during which the whole community of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 fans is banded together.
For instance
, in the inquiry of the Kyiv Sociological
Society
Add a comma
Society,
show examples
 it was mentioned that the Football
championship
Capitalize word
Championship
show examples
 2012 was the most crucial factor for the growing sentiment of social unity within Ukrainian society. Despite the fact that watching
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 creates
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 satisfying feeling of togetherness, in
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 it slightly could be considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
quality time. After all, just
singular
Replace the word
singularly
show examples
 observing the
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 process doesn’t
further
 physical development. In fact, it is an unhealthy substitute
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 real
sports
, because
instead
 of continuing to lead a sedentary lifestyle by watching matches, people could actually play
sports
. As a relative example, researchers of
Ukrainian
Correct article usage
the Ukrainian
show examples
 Wellness
association
Capitalize word
Association
show examples
 concluded that there is a direct connection between tendencies of passive forms of sportive cheerleading by simply watching matches and gradual withdrawal from physical activity within football ultras communities.
To conclude
, I reiterate my opinion by saying that even though watching
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 can give people a pleasant feeling of community, doing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 might be more beneficial.
Submitted by ann.kaluger on

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Task Achievement
To improve Task Achievement, make sure your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. Include more varied and specific examples to support your opinions and make arguments more compelling. Consider both sides of the argument before clearly stating your own standpoint.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance the Coherence and Cohesion of your essay, focus on clearer transitions between paragraphs. Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to show the relationships between ideas more effectively. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by concise examples or explanations.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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