IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Television is dangerous because it destroys family life and any sense of community; instead of visiting people or talking with our family we just watch television. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#television #life #sense #community #people
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It is said that the presence of televisions
have
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has
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 the tendency to destroy interactions and the sense of community of families.
This
 essay will agree with the suggested opinion since TV presence reduces our desire to visit our family and kills communication between the members. Individuals desire to visit less their families when they have a TV at home, destroying any sentiment of community within the group. Indeed, When
obnibulated
Correct your spelling
manipulated
obnubilated
 by their devices, people tend to forget about others and focus only on watching their desired show or news.
For instance
, Harvard has conducted a study on the evolution of family visits in comparison with the amount of devices sold. The statistics demonstrated that since the mondialisation of
this
 object in the 80s, the
amount
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number
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 of familial visits
have
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has
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 decreased
over
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by over
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 75%
in
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on
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 average.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, the development of watchable electronic devices abolished any possibility of interaction with peers. In our present day, the conversations and activities of said group mostly revolve around what there is on TV or at what time the news
start
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starts
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 making any chances of communication very slim.
For example
, I used to not know many things about my Morrocan family because when I would visit them,we would spend the few days we had together
on
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apply
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watching the French news channel. It made me aware of how dangerous they are and their impact on my close relatives. In conclusion, I agree with the statement
due to
 the fact that televisions monopolise every interaction and desire to visit relatives causing the endangerment of familial relations.
Submitted by santos_dij on

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task achievement
Ensure the introduction provides a clear stance on the given statement. Your introduction does a good job of this, but make it more concise if possible.
task achievement
In your body paragraphs, continue developing your main points with more specific examples and data when possible. Your use of the Harvard study is excellent; include more such evidence.
coherence and cohesion
Maintain a logical flow throughout your essay. Use linking words effectively to connect your ideas. Your essay shows good logical structure but strive for even smoother transitions between paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Review your essay for minor grammatical errors or typos that could detract from your overall score. While not a major issue in your essay, consistent accuracy elevates your presentation.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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