IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people say in order to prevent illness and diseases, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #diseases #governments #focus #pollution
In
this
 era, many cures have been invented by analysts in the past, but now, people have sick the writer of
this
 essay contends that it is better to focus on the aforementioned issues
due to
 pollution being the main element of the deterioration in health and housing difficulties being the catalyst for worsening the situation. It is vital to understand that more than half of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern diseases are attributable to environmental contamination.
This
 is because of the fact that as the amount of contaminants gets bigger, the harmful bacteria coming with it grow in number and strength. When humans are exposed to high levels of these substances, they contract diseases.
Therefore
, reducing the number of waste in the environment helps eliminate the root of various illnesses
such
 as asthma and cardiovascular problems, leading to a general increase in public health. Another important factor is that alongside infection, issues regarding accommodation make the situation worse by increasing the risk of infection.
In other words
, slums and other densely populated areas derived from the lack of housing are the breeding places for detrimental viruses.
Additionally
, dwellers in these areas are more likely to come across an infected person without their knowledge.
As a result
, providing more homes helps to reduce all the risk factors, resulting in fewer incidents of illnesses.
In addition
, improving the conditions of these fields by offering better healthcare and cleaning services
also
 causes the elimination of damaging microorganisms.
Thus
, it can be seen that a solution affecting the main cause of diseases seen in environmental pollution and the reduction in the risk of infection seen in fields with poor housing lies in the improvement of those aspects and is important to consider.
Therefore
, it should have been shown that governments should focus on the issues to prevent health problems.
Submitted by zky1705202 on

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task achievement
Your essay introduces a clear opinion which is well-supported throughout the text, aligning with the requirement of the task.
coherence cohesion
You have structured your essay in a logical manner, which greatly helps in delivering your message clearly.
coherence cohesion
To improve further, consider diversifying your linking words beyond 'therefore,' 'additionally,' and 'thus.' This will enrich your essay's flow and coherence.
task achievement
Incorporating a wider range of vocabulary specific to this subject would enhance your argument's clarity and impact.
general
Revise your essay to eliminate minor grammatical errors and unclear phrases for a polished finish. This refinement will enhance the overall quality of your submission.
coherence cohesion
Well-structured argumentation, aligning with the IELTS requirements.
task achievement
Effective use of examples and explanations to support points.
coherence cohesion
Good logical progression from one point to the next.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • exacerbating
  • chronic respiratory diseases
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • air and water pollution
  • medical intervention
  • healthcare spending
  • inadequate housing
  • infectious diseases
  • mental health issues
  • ventilation
  • insulation
  • safe materials
  • government intervention
  • preventive healthcare measures
  • vaccination programs
  • health education
  • economic benefits
  • productivity
  • workforce
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