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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everwhere today? (Steve Copyright)

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In contemporary societies, the
music
 market is becoming prevalent with a diverse range of genres, leading to a growing demand for
music
 as it aids in stress relief. The essay contends that the significance of traditional pieces surpasses that of global ones since
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 contribute to the preservation of cultural heritage. It is vital to understand that
music
 serves as an indispensable source of spiritual nourishment for every individual. At times of encountering pressure from life’s myriad demands, particularly when facing challenges, listening to these harmonies assists in alleviating stress and fatigue,
thus
 facilitating more effective stress management.
While
 engaging with these sounds, whether through mellifluous melodies and vibrant rhythms, people commonly experience a heightened sense of relaxation and lightness. With the presence of catchy sounds, life becomes more manageable, enabling humans to heal their souls. Another point worth considering is that despite the rapid growth of the international market, traditional song continues to maintain a more profound impact on the modern world. Primarily owing to the fact that fold melody epitomizes the uniqueness of cultural identity through its lyrics and beats imbued with local influences. Take Ireland as a contextual example, songs like “The Field of Athenry” recount the struggles of the Irish during the Great Famine, which is partly their culture.
Hence
, in no way does traditional
music
 wield as substantial a global influence as international pieces;
nonetheless
, folk sounds retain a far greater relevance. To recapitulate, melody fulfils an irreplaceable function in the human experience founded upon its capacity to mitigate pressure. In conjunction with the premise, the traditional soul retains paramount importance over the global one, predicted by the historical values it bestows upon each nation.
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task achievement & coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that's developed with examples or explanations. Avoid generic statements; use specific, relevant examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a more structured essay by including clear introductory and concluding paragraphs. The introduction should outline the main points that will be discussed, and the conclusion should summarize them.
task achievement
For higher scores in task achievement, make sure you address all parts of the prompt fully. This includes discussing the significance of both traditional and international music and providing a more balanced view where both sides of the argument are presented.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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