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Band 4.5

New technologies have change the way children spend their freetime. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages ?

#technologies #change #children #freetime
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In
this
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ever progressive
Add a hyphen
ever-progressive
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 society, the correlation between
technologies
Use synonyms
 and spending
freetime
Correct your spelling
free time
 is a
discussing
Replace the word
discussion
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 point. The writer argues that the
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
 of misconception and physical health outweigh the
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
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 of entertainment. It is essential to understand that using
technologies
Use synonyms
 to read news can make
children
Use synonyms
 misconceive.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that new
technologies
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
,
Correct word choice
and computer
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computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 bristle with intriguing apps namely Facebook,
Instagram
Correct word choice
and Instagram
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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evoke
children
Use synonyms
’s curiosity resulting in spending more time on using
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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.
However
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, these
technologies
Use synonyms
 contain excessive
information
Use synonyms
 comprise genuine
information
Use synonyms
 and counterfeit
information
Use synonyms
 which is not censored for small and naive
children
Use synonyms
 to distinguish and verify the false
information
Use synonyms
while
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 reading.
As a result
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,
this
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 will lead to having
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
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 mindset and fallacy. Another disadvantages factor is that new
technologies
Use synonyms
 can adversely damage adolescent’s health. An explanation for
Correct your spelling
this
thí
Correct your spelling
this
 can be found in the form of youngsters who are interested in many attractive platforms can be tempted, prompting
Correct pronoun usage
them to
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to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
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haviing
Correct your spelling
having
 a propensity for immersing themselves
Change preposition
in
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into
Change preposition
in
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 the phone’s screen.
Nevertheless
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, the
cscreen
Correct your spelling
screen
 emits
high
Add an article
a high
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 dose of blue light which has a detrimental effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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eyesight.
For example
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, parents in Vietnam do not intervene and supervise rigorously the time
children
Use synonyms
 use
smartphone
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smartphones
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 leading to a huge amount of time
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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spent
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
surfing the Internet which is the core reason why Vietnam is in
top
Correct article usage
the top
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 3 Asian countries
has
Correct word choice
and has
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 the highest percentage of short-sighted
children
Use synonyms
.
However
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, many people do not agree with
this
Linking Words
 above statement
due to
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 its entertainment, There is a belief that
children
Use synonyms
 are allowed to utilize
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 as
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entertaining tools to play games or listen to music that may make
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
show examples
 relax and create a sense of exhilaration
along with
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 releasing negative energy after studying and working.
However
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,
this
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 point may be true but
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
exposure to the screen can be harmful.
Instead
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, parents can incentivize their progeny to take part in extra-curricular activities not only to entertain but
also
Linking Words
 to bolster perception. Finland can be a prominent example where most schools here organise many outdoor activities for students to enhance creativity and
children
Use synonyms
 here are encouraged to attend these activities by parents when they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 small. In conclusion, the misconception and the degradation of
phýical
Correct your spelling
physical
 health are 2 elements that surpass the opposite perspective is entertainment.
Hence
Linking Words
, new
technologies
Use synonyms
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
Correct your spelling
influenced
ìnluenced
Correct your spelling
influenced
 the way adolescents spend their
freetime
Correct your spelling
free time
 in a negative way.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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logical structure
Ensure your essay has a clear and logical structure. Begin with an introduction that presents your main argument, followed by body paragraphs that each focus on a single main point supported by reasons and examples, and conclude with a summary of your position.
introduction conclusion present
Make sure to include both an introduction and a conclusion in your essay. The introduction should outline the topic and your stance, while the conclusion should summarize the main points and reiterate your position.
supported main points
Support each of your main points with specific reasons and examples. This strengthens your argument and makes it more convincing.
complete response
Fully address the essay prompt by discussing both advantages and disadvantages before stating your opinion on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Provide a balanced discussion to ensure a complete response.
clear comprehensive ideas
Clarify and develop your ideas further to make them more comprehensive. Use more detailed explanations and examples to fully explain your points and how they relate to the topic.
relevant specific examples
Incorporate more specific examples to illustrate and support your arguments. This not only reinforces your points but also makes your essay more engaging and convincing.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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