IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many think that religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#religion #schools
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Nowadays, some people
held
Wrong verb form
hold
show examples
belief
Correct article usage
the belief
show examples
 that religious
knowledge
 should be given at
school
,
whereas
 others argue that it is not acceptable. Even though religious education could encourage
students
 to be more open-minded, in my opinion,
school
Add an article
the school
a school
show examples
 should be
place
Add an article
a place
the place
show examples
 of secular
knowledge
, not religious. On one hand,
religion
 is a huge inseparable part of world history, which includes
broad
Add an article
a broad
show examples
 range of traditions and cultural world legacy. It is undeniable that learning
such
 information could be very helpful for pupils in the future and make them more tolerant of different religions. Today, it has become more relevant when so many conflicts happen in the world based on religious faith.
However
, today, many religions are
incorrect
Change the word
incorrectly
show examples
 interpreted, which could lead to more misunderstanding.
On the other hand
,
school
 should be
place
Correct article usage
a place
show examples
 where
students
 can learn subjects
such
 as
mathematic
Replace the word
mathematics
show examples
, languages, chemistry etc., that will help them to get a speciality in the future. In comparison with secular
knowledge
,
religion
 is about faith and belief.
Therefore
,
educational
Add an article
the educational
show examples
 system shouldn`t impose
his
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 understanding of
religion
 on
students
, which could be completely different
than
Change preposition
from
show examples
 how they believe in their families.
For instance
, in one class could be representatives of
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of confessions with their own beliefs. And if
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
show examples
 system teaches them how they should believe, it could lead to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unrest among the pupils and their parents. It's hard to imagine that
such
 approaches could be supported. In conclusion, even though teaching
religion
 could lead
students
 to be open-minded, I strongly believe that religious
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
 shouldn`t be given at
school
, since
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schooling should give secular
knowledge
instead
 of religious.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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General
Ensure clarity and structure in your introduction and conclusion. Clearly outline your stance and summarize your main arguments succinctly to strengthen these sections.
Coherence & Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay, making the transition between sentences and paragraphs smoother.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to support each argument. Use illustrations or case studies that align with your points to make your essay more persuasive and engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • religious education
  • multi-faith society
  • values and ethics
  • tolerance
  • diversity
  • religious freedom
  • secular education
  • curriculum
  • worldviews
  • interfaith dialogue
  • religious literacy
  • moral guidance
  • cultural understanding
  • critical thinking
  • respect
  • indoctrination
  • religious beliefs
  • secular state
  • religious extremism
  • academic subject
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