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Band 5

Nowadays, some buildings such as offices and schools have open space designs instead of separate rooms. Why is it so? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#buildings #offices #schools #space #designs #rooms #development
Nowadays, a number of architectures usually design open
space
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spaces
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for encouraging
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to encourage
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 community activities as there
are
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is
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 some
society
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societal
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trend
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trends
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 that the interaction between
thee
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the
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 people is less than before. It is because
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people are more
incline
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inclined
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 to spend time
to enjoy
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enjoying
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 their own hobbies. I believe it has positive
affects
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effects
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 on our whole society. I would like to introduce some reasons why I think that.
First,
I find that the open
space
 in the workplace makes the abilities of the employees more effective. In the past, most Asian
companies
 had a tendency to make separate rooms for their employees, especially in Asia, as it is for hierarchy.
However
, there was a study by Seoul University which compared American
companies
, which have lots of open spaces, with Asian
companies
, which have separate rooms. It showed that American
companies
' worker who works in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 company which has open spaces for them have more motivation to work and less stress on their job. The
worker
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workers
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 replied in a survey,
they
Correct word choice
that they
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 are satisfied
of
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with
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working
Correct article usage
the working
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space
 for smooth communication.
Therefore
, I think the open
space
 in the workplace
have
Change the verb form
has
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 a benefit to improve their working abilities.
Secondly
, designs are
also
 often used in schools to unite
students
. In the past, there was a significant number of
students
 in one classroom;
in addition
, they had less stress about studying than nowadays, so they were more animated than they are now.
However
, nowadays,
students
 usually do not pay attention to other
students
. The school committee finds that they have to encourage the
students
 to be united to ease that phenomenon. They assert that communication and interaction among
students
 are imperative factors for improving their creativity. In conclusion, I believe making open
space
 has lots of benefits for people.
Submitted by heoeunsae on

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structure
Try to ensure a clear introduction, body, and conclusion structure for your essay. Your introduction and conclusion are present, but strengthening the thesis statement and summarizing main points in the conclusion can further enhance clarity and impact.
examples
Expanding upon your examples with more detail and analysis will better support your main points. While you have provided some examples, deeper explanation and linkage to your thesis will strengthen your argument.
cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures and using linking words to improve the flow of your essay. This will make your essay more readable and ensure ideas are cohesively connected.
task response
In addressing the essay prompt, make sure to cover all aspects of the question comprehensively. While you have provided a stance on the issue, a more nuanced discussion weighing both positive and negative aspects could provide a more balanced and complete response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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