IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

People are having more and more sugar drinks. What are the reasons? What are the solutions to make people drink less?

#people #sugar #drinks #drink
In
this
 contemporary era, people are aggressively obtaining
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
sugar
products
 which are causing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health issues. In
this
 essay, I would like to insight my views on
this
 topic and suggest
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 solution for
this
 mentioned issue. It is true that product with high carbohydrates attracts people easily
due to
 these reasons.
Firstly
, the advertisements
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
sugar
products
 are more fascinating which develops the hunger
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 trying these goods in public.
Consequently
, it ends up in consuming high
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of carbohydrate goods by consumers which results in spending money on unhealthy stuff.
Secondly
, more sugary
products
 are delicious in taste and cheap as well.
As a result
, youngsters are more attracted to these
products
 as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can easily skip their meals.
For instance
, coke has those ingredients which are rich in fats
thus
Correct word choice
and thus
show examples
 can
full
Correct your spelling
fill
show examples
 an individual's stomach.
However
, there should be
an awareness campaigns
Correct the article-noun agreement
an awareness campaign
awareness campaigns
show examples
 generated towards the demerits of having
sugar
products
. Consumers should
also
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the health issues which are
occuring
Correct your spelling
occurring
 in having rich carbohydrate
products
.
Moreover
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should
also
 implement a law on manufacturers that they should use
certain
Change the article
a certain
show examples
 amount of
sugar
 in making
products
. To
examplify
Correct your spelling
exemplify
, In Azerbaijan, there is a fine on manufacturers if they put
sugar
 more than
the
Change the article
a
show examples
 certain amount in their
products
.
To conclude
, it is important to put
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
insight
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
 these issues and some mitigation efforts can be implemented by
power houses
Correct your spelling
powerhouses
show examples
 to oversee future demerits.
Submitted by harmeetkohli31 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
To improve in Task Achievement, ensure that your response fully answers all parts of the question. Develop your points more thoroughly with additional examples or explanations. Make sure to directly address the question's parts about the reasons for increased consumption of sugary drinks and specific solutions.
Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance the Coherence and Cohesion by structuring your essay more effectively. Use a clear introductory paragraph that outlines your main points. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and follow logically from one to the next. Connect your ideas with appropriate transitional phrases to improve flow.
Introduction & Conclusion
For a higher score, ensure you have a distinct conclusion that summarizes your points and reiterates your stance. Your introduction and conclusion need to be clear and distinct to frame your essay effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • convenience
  • accessibility
  • aggressive marketing
  • health risks
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • dental problems
  • quick energy boosts
  • stress relief
  • imposition
  • affordability
  • healthier alternatives
  • public health campaigns
  • consumer habits
What to do next:
Look at other essays: