IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to information in many countries. This is a danger to our societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#technology #access #information #countries #danger #societies
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It is true that today's
technology
 has revolutionized the way of living in a number of countries in the world. Some
people
 believe that
this
 advancement of
technology
 has some detrimental effects on our society, and with which I completely agree.
To begin
 with, the primary reason for the danger of
this
technology
 to society is the misrepresentation of the vast knowledge of data. To explain, at present, everyone is connected with each other through social media accounts; which has become the easiest method for culprits to spread false information among the
people
 to mislead them mostly during the time of elections.
As a result
,
people
 poll their votes to the fraudulent parties. Another big risk of
this
 digital
technology
 is that
people
 are not only losing their cognitive skills but becoming mentally unwell
also
. To elaborate, mostly owing to the occurrence of the huge knowledge of the information on the internet,
people
 are less likely to have interactions with their family and friends, as they find it easy to know something
while
 surfing the internet, remain glued to the screens of their laptops and smartphones, resulting in decreased social bonding with their loving one.
Furthermore
, the breach of personal data is becoming a burning issue
due to
this
 modern
technology
. To illustrate, everyone uploads photos and videos on their private account, but sometimes these are morphed and edited in a way that can cause embarrassment and harassment to the victim. Not only
this
, sometimes OnScene morphed images or videos of a person can cause them to commit suicide too, directly having an adverse impact on the other
people
 in the society by creating fear.
For example
, the most popular Al (artificial intelligence) is used by mischievous persons to duplicate voices, morphed videos or photos, and so on for blackmail to get bribes. Moving forward, the more
people
 are surrounded by so much
technology
 the more they will be at risk, as cybercriminals
also
 sometimes hack bank accounts with just names and withdraw their all of money which hits them financially. In conclusion, I believe that
this
 modern
technology
 is far more dangerous than we know as it is being used by criminals to mislead
people
.
Submitted by hk7588704 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay logically structures the argument, reflecting good coherence and cohesion. However, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Using transitional words or phrases can enhance this flow. For instance, consider phrases like 'furthermore', 'in addition', or 'on the other hand' to introduce new points or contrast ideas.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion which properly bookend your essay, but be cautious of repetitive statements. In your introduction, directly address the prompt by stating your agreement or disagreement clearly. In the conclusion, succinctly summarize your main points without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, but their development could be richer and more nuanced. Expand on your examples by providing deeper analysis or more vivid illustrations to reinforce your argument. This will make your essay more convincing and engaging.
task achievement
You successfully addressed the task by offering a comprehensive response and relevant examples. To enhance task achievement, work on presenting your ideas more clearly. Strive for clarity by simplifying complex sentences and ensuring your examples directly support your thesis.
task achievement
Incorporating specific, real-life examples or statistics that support your points can strengthen your argument. While hypothetical scenarios are useful, concrete evidence tends to be more persuasive. Researching recent news or studies related to your topic can provide valuable material.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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