IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

People are having more and more sugar drinks. What are the reasons? What are the solutions to make people drink less?

#people #sugar #drinks #drink
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Nowadays there is a graduate rise in sweet
drinks
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 consumption which has irrecoverable outcomes for the human
body
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. Regarding the disadvantage of using that much
sugar
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,
sugar
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 is called white poison in some cultures and
that is
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due to
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 the fact that it can cause lots of damage to the human
body
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.
For instance
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, by using a large
amount
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 of
this
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 substance,
people
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 can gain weight and the human
body
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 is designed to store that as fat.
In addition
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, fat can lead to issues for the heart.
On the other hand
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, there is a specific
amount
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 of
sugar
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 in the human
body
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 and when
people
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 increase that
amount
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 by
sugar
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drink
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, they are at risk of getting diabetes. In regard to the benefit of
sugar
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drinks
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,
people
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 will be able to recover their energy by using these
drinks
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 when they do not have access to food or they do not have time to eat appropriate meals.
Overall
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,
people
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 have to decrease the
amount
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 of
sugar
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drink
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 assumption on account of the fact that
sugar
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 is not
necessary
Add an article
a necessary
show examples
 thing for the
body
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 and less consumption can keep our
body
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 healthy.
Furthermore
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, there are some water bottles which can trick the human brain into thinking that it is drinking a sugary
drink
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 but in fact, you are drinking water.
Additionally
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, there are some other
drinks
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 which are sweetened with artificial flavours and the producer did not use
sugar
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 for the
drink
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. So
people
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 by using these two solutions can get rid of the cons of using
sugar
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 and have a healthy lifestyle.
Submitted by Parsahassani077 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure you fully understand the task and directly answer all parts of the question. While you attempted to address both reasons for the increase in sugar drinks consumption and solutions, your essay could benefit from clearer delineation between these sections.
Task Achievement
Make sure your ideas are comprehensive and specifically related to the question asked. Some of your points, especially in the solution section, could have been expanded upon with more specific examples or clearer explanations.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on the logical flow of your essay. This involves not only the sequence of your ideas but how they connect to each other. Consider using more linking words or phrases to create a smoother transition between sentences and paragraphs.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include a more explicit introduction and conclusion. Your introduction should clearly state the question and your main points, while the conclusion should summarize your arguments and reiterate why they are important.
Supported Main Points
Whenever providing support for your arguments, try to incorporate a wider variety of examples and evidence. This could involve citing statistics, studies, or more detailed scenarios that directly relate to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • convenience
  • accessibility
  • aggressive marketing
  • health risks
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • dental problems
  • quick energy boosts
  • stress relief
  • imposition
  • affordability
  • healthier alternatives
  • public health campaigns
  • consumer habits
What to do next:
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