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Writing Samples /
Band 7

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Agree or disagree?

#parents #children
Fathers and mothers of fat offspring should be penalised for not taking
care
 of them that they become obese. The essay agrees with the subject because
parents
 are the primary teachers of
children
 as well and
children
 are the next
generation
 to have a fresh society, so
parents
 should take
care
 of them.
Parents
 as the first teachers of the
children
 have a vital role in
children
’s lives. Fathers and mothers are responsible for teaching their
children
 the way of life.
Moreover
, good teaching can raise the
children
’s awareness and provide them with a high-quality lifestyle.
For example
,
parents
 should teach the
children
 about the quality of healthy food
such
 as vegetables and fruits and increase the proportion of healthy food at home.
Therefore
, it is the responsibility of
parents
 to take of their
children
.
In addition
,
children
 as the next
generation
 need to be taken
care
 of their health by their
parents
. Healthy
children
 help to have a healthy society. Or other words, society is made of individuals all these individuals have
parents
 who are near to being old. But
children
 still have time and they are young to keep the
generation
 and for the continuation of the human
generation
parents
 should take
care
 of their
children
.
To conclude
,
parents
 should be penalised for making their
children
 obese. I think it is a good idea because
parents
 are responsible for their
children
 to provide them with a high quality of life as they are the next
generation
 their health is very important.
Submitted by hsmkashi on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear and logical structure. Your essay shows a basic structure but it can be improved by better organizing the paragraphs and making the transition between sentences smoother.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are present and clearly state your stance on the topic. While your essay does include these, they could be made more explicit and impactful to the reader.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with specific, detailed examples. You have provided some examples, but using more detailed and varied examples could strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task. You have made an effort to respond to the prompt, but expanding on your ideas with more depth and providing a nuanced discussion would improve your score.
task achievement
Ensure your ideas are clear and comprehensive. While you have outlined your argument, striving for clarity in expressing your points and refining the depth of your explanations will enhance your essay.
task achievement
Use specific and relevant examples to support your points. Adding more specific examples related to the consequences of obesity and the role of parents in preventing it could make your argument stronger.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
What to do next:
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