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Band 7.5

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Agree or disagree?

#parents #children
Fathers and mothers of fat offspring should be penalised for not taking
care
 of them that they become obese. The essay agrees with the subject because
parents
 are the primary teachers of
children
 as well and
children
 are the next
generation
 to have a fresh society, so
parents
 should take
care
 of them.
Parents
 as the first teachers of the
children
 have a vital role in
children
’s lives. Fathers and mothers are responsible for teaching their
children
 the way of life.
Moreover
, good teaching can raise the
children
’s awareness and provide them with a high-quality lifestyle.
For example
,
parents
 should teach the
children
 about the quality of healthy food
such
 as vegetables and fruits and increase the proportion of healthy food at home.
Therefore
, it is the responsibility of
parents
 to take of their
children
.
In addition
,
children
 as the next
generation
 need to be taken
care
 of their health by their
parents
. Healthy
children
 help to have a healthy society. Or other words, society is made of individuals all these individuals have
parents
 who are near to being old. But
children
 still have time and they are young to keep the
generation
 and for the continuation of the human
generation
parents
 should take
care
 of their
children
.
To conclude
,
parents
 should be penalised for making their
children
 obese. I think it is a good idea because
parents
 are responsible for their
children
 to provide them with a high quality of life as they are the next
generation
 their health is very important.
Submitted by hsmkashi on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance clarity and coherence, consider linking your ideas more explicitly. Using transitional phrases can seamlessly guide readers from one point to the next.
Task Achievement
Try to incorporate a wider variety of examples and evidence to support your points. This will strengthen your argument and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on refining the structure of your essay, especially by developing a clearer introduction that presents the topic and your stance more directly. Similarly, a more conclusive ending that summarises your argument effectively would strengthen your essay.
Content
Your essay effectively identifies the importance of parental responsibility in shaping children's habits and the impact on society, presenting a clear argument for why parents should be held accountable.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've done a good job maintaining a logical flow with a coherent argument progression, which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
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