IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that the main aim of advertising is to improve the sales of products that people do not really need. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #aim #sales #products
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Increasing the rate of
sales
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 of
products
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 is the main purpose of advertising, despite
this
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 goods are not very essential for
people
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.
Although
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 it could cause some
people
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 may hesitate to make a choice
while
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 purchasing, I totally agree that the main target of the
advertisement
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 should be improving the
income
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. The
advertisement
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 of unnecessary
products
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 could affect
people
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's decisions. Too many advertisements for
products
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, which are both necessary and unnecessary, might give a lot of information to customers.
As a result
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, customers may have many options and suffer to choose the most needed goods.
Also
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, they could become indecisive.
For example
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, many researches proved that advertisements of unimportant
products
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 can increase the customer's stress level
while
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 purchasing.
Thus
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,
products
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 which are not necessary should not be advertised.
On the other hand
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, it may have some advantages. Too much advertising
products
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 can improve
income
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. The main reason is that
people
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 are getting used to seeing advertisements for goods, before buying them. If the rate of
advertisement
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 is increased, the
sales
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 of
products
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 would rise, respectively.
Consequently
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, the
income
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 from
sales
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products
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 will increase.
For example
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, the
advertisement
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 of less needed
products
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 like Coca-Cola showed a 13% growth in benefits after huge promotion, in 2020.
Therefore
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, the main aim of advertising should be getting more benefits. In conclusion, the advertising of less important things might have a negative effect on customers' making decisions
while
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 buying.
However
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, it is a great opportunity to improve
sales
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 of
products
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 and
income
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 and
also
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 earn too much money.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task response
The essay would benefit from a clearer and more concise thesis statement in the introduction, explicitly stating the position taken.
task response
The main points should be more clearly separated and elaborated with more detailed examples to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between paragraphs with clearer linking phrases to enhance flow and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Work on structuring paragraphs more effectively by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and adequately encapsulate the main ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay is organized logically with a clear progression of ideas.
task response
The response addresses the prompt well and attempts to provide a balanced view.
task response
The essay includes relevant, if somewhat general, examples to support the main points.
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