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Band 7.5

Some people think that it would be better for larger companies and industy to move to regional areas outside large urban centers. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #companies #industy #move #areas #centers
One school of thought holds that large industrial organizations should relocate to suburban areas that are far away from city centres.
This
 essay attempts to shed light on both the merits and demerits of
this
 belief before concluding that the former is more important. On the one hand, removing factories and firms to regional territories is disadvantageous to some certain extent. First and foremost, it might decrease the inhabitants' convenience.
For example
, increasing time in commute means less leisure time for themselves and their family, which could cause some serious mental issues,
such
 as anxiety, depression, and exhaustion.
Furthermore
, the enormous cost incurred to implement these actions would put a strain on government coffers, thereby leading to budget deficits, tax hikes, or reduced social welfare.
As a result
, ordinary citizens, especially the underprivileged, would struggle even more to make ends meet.
On the other hand
, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that authorities should pass some laws to force corporations to place their plants in
countryside
Correct article usage
the countryside
show examples
. One rationale is that could improve individuals' health.
This
 is because, without smog and fumes being released from manufacturing and transportation,
thus
, the quality of the air would be enhanced, which could protect people against negative effects from respiratory issues. Another justification is that could raise citizens' pleasure . To be more specific, if business facilities were moved, the number of green parks, open spaces, and playgrounds would be established, so that residents could enjoy their free time
as well as
 children could play and make friends with others. In conclusion,
while
 it is irrefutable that building big business infrastructure in the suburban zones could have some drawbacks. I would contend that
this
 radical idea has more significant upsides to the entire society.
Submitted by khoihoangtrong96 on

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly outlines the main points that you will cover. Your introduction did well in setting up the topic, but could have been more specific in previewing your arguments.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. While you did include examples, more detailed and varied examples could make your essay more convincing and improve task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Work on linking your ideas more clearly. Use a range of linking words and phrases to show the connections between your ideas and paragraphs, thereby improving coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has one clear main idea supported by examples and explanations. This will help in logically structuring your essay and making your main points clear, enhancing coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
In your conclusion, succinctly restate your main points and your stance. Ensure it's reflective of the discussion throughout your essay without introducing new ideas, maintaining task achievement and coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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