IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #message
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Children
Use synonyms
 are instructed that they are able to make progress in every area when they put effort
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 doing something in some countries.
While
Linking Words
 I would like to describe
this
Linking Words
phnomenon
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
 as a double-edged sword. Telling
children
Use synonyms
 to try hard may be beneficial for
children
Use synonyms
 to access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
success, as hard work can usually push
children
Use synonyms
 to focus on things they need to do. It is widely accepted by many people that attention to crucial things may help to increase the opportunity
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 success.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 who are told to try hard to learn are more likely to get higher scores than the others who behave relatively, and
this
Linking Words
 can be helpful for
children
Use synonyms
 who get good outcomes in school to improve their job prospects in the future.
Children
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 are taught to try hard to take part in clubs which are good
to develop
Change preposition
for developing
show examples
 their hobbies may be more sociable, as
strong
Correct article usage
a strong
show examples
retationship
Correct your spelling
relationship
relationships
 between different people will bring them more opportunities. On the other side, hard work
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not always likely to pay off, because there is not
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
person who can be
gorgerous
Correct your spelling
gorgeous
 and excellent in all
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the world.
Children
Use synonyms
 who are told to struggle to seek
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
achievements from time to time may get disappointed if they fail to receive positive feedback after attempting extremely
meticulouly
Correct your spelling
meticulously
meticulous
 and seriously.
For instance
Linking Words
, if a hard-working student
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 a score which is not ideal
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 his or her prediction in a test at school.
This
Linking Words
 will probably lead to low self-confidence which is even likely to cause a worse
profermance
Correct your spelling
performance
 of the child in the next
examintion
Correct your spelling
examination
.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can achieve better through instructions given by some specific cultures which think highly of hard work,
although
Linking Words
 it may
also
Linking Words
 have some
diadvantages
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
.
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coherence cohesion
Try to maintain a more clear and structured flow of ideas throughout your essay. A well-thought-out paragraph structure, with each paragraph focusing on a single main point, will significantly improve readability and coherence.
coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical structure of your essay, consider using more linking words and phrases that clearly show the connection between ideas. This will help in producing a more cohesive and logically sound argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more impactful. Work on crafting a strong thesis statement in your introduction and a powerful final thought in your conclusion to encapsulate your essay's main ideas succinctly.
task achievement
While you have addressed the task and provided relevant examples, aiming for a more thorough exploration of the topic would improve your score in task achievement. Consider delving deeper into each point you make with more detailed examples or experiences.
task achievement
Strive to present your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. You could achieve this by breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones, ensuring each idea is fully developed before moving on to the next.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific, real-world examples to support your arguments. This not only reinforces your points but also shows a broader understanding of the topic, aiding in the task achievement score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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