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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that our happiness depends on how much money we have. Others say that money cannot buy happiness. Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors?

#people #happiness #money #factors
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People
Use synonyms
 nowadays consider that
money
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 is the ultimate power. Many
people
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 in our society believe that anything can be bought from
money
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 and it's a key to success and
happiness
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. In my opinion, there are many other factors which are more important than
money
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.
Money
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 is an important factor to survive in
this
Linking Words
 world
specially
Replace the word
especially
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 era where the prices are constantly increasing. There is almost everything that can be bought
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
money
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 and
according to
Linking Words
 recent surveys, 70% of the problems in
people
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's life
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 related
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money
Change preposition
to money
show examples
. Because the
money
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 factor is very
much
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
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important, many
people
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 investigate other person's financial background before marrying.
People
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 have started linking
money
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 with their
happiness
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 because they think they can manage anything if they have
money
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, can
money
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 buy an extra time or an extra life? Similar to
this
Linking Words
 question, there are many undebatable questions which
states
Change the verb form
state
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 that there are many other things important than
money
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. One can have too much
money
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 but they can'
t
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 buy their fitness out of that
money
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. Considering
happiness
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, when a baby is born he or she is happy without knowing these concepts. I have observed many
people
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 who are financially unstable but still manage to be happy and some
people
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 have everything and still
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
end up being depressed. Many
people
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 have
money
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 but they don'
t
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 have good mental and physical health or they don'
t
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 have parents or children with them and I believe
money
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 can'
t
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 win against the importance of these aspects. In conclusion, I firmly believe there are many other important factors than
money
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 like physical and mental health, parents, time, life and
happiness
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 which are equally or more important than
money
Use synonyms
 to survive in
this
Linking Words
 world.
Submitted by tirththakkar23 on

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Task Achievement
To enhance Task Achievement, ensure your essay directly addresses the question throughout. Increase the depth of your analysis by comparing and contrasting different perspectives in more detail. Support each claim with stronger, more detailed examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, aim for a clearer logical progression of ideas. Use varied linking devices to connect sentences and paragraphs seamlessly. Additionally, developing a more structured layout for paragraphs - introducing, supporting, and concluding ideas within each - will further strengthen this aspect.
Introduction and Conclusion Enhancements
Refine the quality of your introduction and conclusion by making your thesis statement more specific and by summarizing the main points more succinctly and powerfully in the conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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