IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some think that governments should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 say that
governments
Use synonyms
 ought to help the aged
people
Use synonyms
 financially,
while
Linking Words
 others think that they are responsible for themselves. I agree with the first point
due to
Linking Words
 the tax contributions they make throughout their lives, so the
governments
Use synonyms
 should pay them when they need
.
Fix the infinitive
to.
show examples
However
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that seniors should take of themselves by using their own
money
Use synonyms
 as the
governments
Use synonyms
 cannot offer
money
Use synonyms
 to all their retired persons. The primary reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is the increased cost of living, which hikes day by day.
In addition
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, the inflation rate increases every day in almost all developing and
under-developed
Correct your spelling
underdeveloped
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 nations. Because of
this
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, the authorities of
such
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 nations cannot afford
offering
Change the verb form
to offer
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money
Use synonyms
 to those who are retired. The
cheat
Replace the word
cheating
show examples
 of not paying
taxes
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 is another reason, as most
people
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 try to avoid paying
taxes
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 and find ways to lessen it.
For example
Linking Words
, in many countries, the majority of employees work under the table to avoid their official income. Despite
this
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, I opine that the
governments
Use synonyms
 should help their citizens by paying their bills. The
governments
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 should
intoduce
Correct your spelling
introduce
 a plan through which all retired
people
Use synonyms
 get sufficient amounts of
money
Use synonyms
 in their bank accounts every month. The amount of
such
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 monthly payments should be based on the tax contributions they have made during their entire life. One
such
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 example is
CPP
Correct article usage
the CPP
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 tax deduction in Canada.
This
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 and the other
taxes
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 that workers pay the government from their earnings
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 are considered towards their pensions.
Moreover
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, the retired group of
people
Use synonyms
 often fall
a
Correct article usage
apply
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sick and face circumstances under which they often fail to secure themselves financially because of the increased inflation.
Threfore
Correct your spelling
Therefore
, I think that government should look after their citizens by paying them monthly pensions. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 the cost of taking care of the retired group seems not feasible for the government, I think that those who have paid much
taxes
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while
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 working
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 should be given monthly instalments of
money
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 back. Considering the rising
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
prices for everything, the aged ones cannot afford to look after themselves.

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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear position throughout the response. However, to enhance Task Achievement, ensure you discuss both views more evenly before stating your own opinion. Expand on the opposition view with equal depth as your own to fully address the prompt.
Task Achievement
Include a wider range of specific examples and detailed explanations for both viewpoints. This will not only strengthen your argument but also show a deep understanding of the topic, improving Task Achievement.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve your essay's Coherence and Cohesion, focus on structuring your paragraphs more clearly. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence, followed by support and examples. Use transition words to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
Coherence & Cohesion
Be mindful of minor grammatical errors and aim for a variety of sentence structures to enhance the overall readability of your essay, contributing to both Coherence & Cohesion and Lexical Resource scores.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement
  • financial support
  • social responsibility
  • comfortable and secure
  • reduces poverty
  • safety net
  • limited resources
  • fairness and equality
  • personal responsibility
  • independence
  • financial planning
  • saving
  • burden on the government
  • control over retirement
  • economic growth
  • private investment
  • combination of approaches
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