Some parents believe that their children should do educational activities during their free time. Others say that in this way children are under pressure. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
While
it is often thought that extra-curricular activities
should be done by children
after school
, other parents may think that children
are under pressure
. In my opinion, I believe that extra-curricular activities
can help children
improve their social skills
, which can be beneficial for them in their future working life.
On the one hand, some parents agree that children
who participate in extra-curricular activities
can gain higher social skills
, and I admit it. That is
to say, extra-curricular activities
, such
as community services and sports, can be beneficial for children
. One clear example is that children
are able to communicate and cooperate with each other when they interact during extra-curricular activities
. Moreover
, social skills
and teamwork are crucial skills
that children
ought to master, as these skills
have become vital skills
in the workplace, children
who can manage these skills
can be more competitive in the workplace. Therefore
, children
must participate in extra-curricular activities
after school
.
On the other hand
, it may be argued that children
who do extra-curricular activities
after school
may be under pressure
. That is
to say, adding pressure
on children
is not healthy for them, whether it is for their physical health or mental health. For instance
, children
who have a lot of stress may develop anxiety disorders and suffer from headaches. Additionally
, some children
are already overloaded with their homework, forcing
extra-curricular Correct word choice
and forcing
activities
on children
would neither reduce their
Change the word
the
pressure
of homework nor promote their independence or autonomy. Thus
, forcing children
to do extra-curricular activities
after school
may not help them gain any other skills
, or may have adverse effects on their health.
In conclusion, while
people may vary in their opinions, I think that children
should be called to participate in extra-curricular activities
after school
so that they can gain the necessary skills
and benefit from it.Submitted by s_syedy on
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Task Achievement
To improve your score in task achievement, make sure to address the prompt fully by discussing both views equally before presenting your opinion. It appears the essay has a stronger focus on advocating for extracurricular activities without equally discussing the perspective that it puts children under pressure. Try to balance your discussion and clearly state how each view relates to your opinion.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, you've structured your essay reasonably well with clear paragraphs and logical flow. However, consider using a wider range of linking phrases and topic sentences to better guide the reader through your arguments. Additionally, ensure that paragraphs are well balanced in length and detail.