IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. Write a report for a university, lecturer describing the information shown below. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. Write a report for a university, lecturer describing the information shown below. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar and pie chart
depicts
Correct subject-verb agreement
depict
show examples
 the data about the adult education
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
, which includes different events attendings of by gender and the percentage of their
age
Use synonyms
 groups in the year 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clearly shown that
women
Use synonyms
 tend to
more
Add a missing verb
do more
show examples
 activities compared to men, and the
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 of 50 and
Linking Words
further
Fix the agreement mistake
older
show examples
people
Use synonyms
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
 likely to visit the
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
. A
more close
Correct word choice
closer
show examples
 look at the statistics, in terms of the
women
Use synonyms
, the language training is the highest allocation with 40
women
Use synonyms
 in the bar chart, which is four times higher number than the
women
Use synonyms
 who participated in the sculpture training.
Conversely
Linking Words
, 30 men participated in the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
painting class, which is the highest participation of the men.
Moreover
Linking Words
, drama and sculpture classes are filled by the exactly same number of participants with 10. In terms of the
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, participants
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
under 20
are represents
Change the verb form
represent
show examples
 the lowest percentage with 5
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Conversely
Linking Words
, the oldest
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 (50 or more) attended the course mostly which was represented
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 42
perfcent
Correct your spelling
per cent
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 of
40
Correct article usage
the 40
show examples
-49
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 attended
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
26
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 two
age
Use synonyms
 groups of participants
nearly
Add a missing verb
were nearly
show examples
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 and allocated
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
11-16
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "conversely".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, women, group, people with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "represents" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: