IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that the main purpose of school is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is a belief that school aims to make children become ethical residents and labourers
while
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 others assert that youngsters should be benefited as individuals. Personally,
this
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 writer totally disagrees with
this
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 statement and will explain it in the following sections. It must be understood that it is the behavior, not performance that plays a vital role in social development. In fact, a good employee consists of generosity, responsibility, dedication
as well as
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 other moral aspects. Practically, having a well-behaved character encourages workers to alleviate conflicts in the workplace and promotes a sense of solidarity.
Consequently
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, enterprises that own good citizens in their workforce should witness an increase in profit
along with
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 employees’ productivity. In the long term,
this
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 strategy plays a crucial role in maintaining social sustainability
as well as
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 economic growth. Another factor which contributes to
this
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 writer’s disagreement is the former aim of schools to aid students to achieve kindness and dedication. To explain, if educators benefit children as individuals, there is no doubt that they will not focus on developing national well-being owing to their demand in personal appetites.
According to
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this
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 trend, obviously, these labourers will choose to work for themselves rather than communities.
As a result
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, workplaces which contain
this
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 kind of workers often experience a lack of unity and coordination. Take Vietnam as an example, where roughly 70% of international school pupils who undergo a wide range of great education usually struggle with inconvenience regarding teamwork tasks in later careers
due to
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 various conflicts that they trigger.
To conclude
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, transforming a child into a kind citizen must be
contemplated
Verb problem
considered
show examples
 the utmost priority of education.
Hence
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,
this
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 essay has outlined the reasons for
this
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 disapproval.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion, but make sure that the reasoning and arguments are fully developed and clear. Some ideas could be expanded further for better clarity and depth.
coherence cohesion
While there is a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion, the logical flow between points and paragraphs could be improved. Ensure that each paragraph has a central idea and that these ideas are connected logically.
task achievement
Use relevant examples that are directly related to the main points you are making. This will strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and provide a clear stance on the topic, which is great for coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay includes some relevant examples to support the points made, which enhances the task achievement.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial
  • shaping
  • developing
  • unique talents
  • potential
  • well-rounded
  • academic
  • social
  • emotional development
  • personal growth
  • contribute positively
  • self-expression
  • creativity
  • individuality
  • happier and more fulfilled
  • strike a balance
  • preparing students for the workforce
  • nurturing
  • individual needs
  • pursue passions and interests
  • thrive
  • future professionals
  • community institutions
  • shape community values
  • foster civic engagement
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