Most school include physical education as part of their school program. Why is physical education important? Sould physical education classes be compalsory or optional?

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These days most schools have
education
Add an article
the education
an education

The noun phrase education seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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of physical included in their school
calicurrum
Correct your spelling
curriculum

If you don’t want calicurrum to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

. In
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

essay, I will discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply

The preposition about seems unecessary after the verb discuss. Consider removing the preposition.

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why
is
Unnecessary verb
apply

The verb is appears to be unnecessary here.

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the program is important and the reason why I believe it should be compulsory.
Firstly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is beneficial for
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

’s health to do
excersize
Correct your spelling
exercise

If you don’t want excersize to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

. It is said that doing is good for both human’s physical health and mental
helth
Correct your spelling
health

If you don’t want helth to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

but many
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

have lost
oportunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity

If you don’t want oportunity to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

to play
out side
Correct your spelling
outside

The word out side seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

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because they tended to
paly
Correct your spelling
play

The word paly doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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videogames at home in their free time recently.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, sometimes they don’t have their playgrounds because there are
less
Change the quantifier
fewer

It appears that the quantifier less does not fit with the countable noun parks. Consider changing the quantifier or the noun.

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parks than before or there are many dangerous outside and their parents don’t allow their
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

to go out.
As a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, moving
at
Change preposition
to

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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school is the only way for some
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
Furthermore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is efficient to learn
Fix the infinitive
to collaboration

It seems that the use of particle to may be incorrect here.

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collaboration
Replace the word
collaborate

The word collaboration doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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with other
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

under rules, which is
essential
Add an article
an essential

The noun phrase essential skill seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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skill in society when they grow up. All sports have their own rules which
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

shold
Correct your spelling
should

If you don’t want shold to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

obey and team play needs cooperation. And most
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

have the same situation in our workplace. If they do just
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games

The word videogames doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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or study alone, they cannot learn the society and sometimes it will be difficult to work with other
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
Thus
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, by making
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

do sports as a part of school
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs

It seems that program may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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compulsory
Correct word choice
apply

There may be an adjective issue here.

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, they can feel the real society before they start work. In conclusion,
bcause
Correct your spelling
because

If you don’t want bcause to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

of the
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits

It seems that benefit may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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for
Change preposition
of

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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health and learning human
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships

It seems that relationship may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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,
shcools
Correct your spelling
schools

If you don’t want shcools to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

should oblige physical education in their program. I
beileve
Correct your spelling
believe

If you don’t want beileve to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

if
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

really care about
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

, we
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

need to convey
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

and their parents how important
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

this activities
Change the determiner
this activity
these activities

It appears that the singular demonstrative this is modifying the plural noun activities. Consider using a plural demonstrative or a singular noun instead.

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.
Add a missing verb
are.

It seems that you are missing a verb. Consider adding it.

show examples

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structure
Ensure all essays have a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Your essay has these components, but focus on making your introduction more engaging and your conclusion more impactful.
accuracy
Work on your spelling and grammar throughout the essay. Errors such as 'excersize', 'helth', 'calicurrum', 'oportunity', and 'shcools' detract from the overall professionalism and clarity of your writing.
vocabulary
Use a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas. This will make your argument more compelling and your writing more engaging.
cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure each paragraph has one main idea supported by examples or explanations. Transition smoothly between sentences and paragraphs.
task response
To fully respond to the task, make sure to address all parts of the question clearly. Your essay does a good job of this, but could benefit from deeper exploration and more varied examples supporting your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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