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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #adults
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These days, a sense of competition is considered important by some
people
Use synonyms
 to be encouraged,
while
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 others argue that
children
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 who are educated to collaborate rather than compete tend to be more successful in the future. Through
this
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 essay, I will ventilate both views and give my supportive opinion towards
collaboration
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 that should be possessed by
children
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. Among society, competitiveness is still
reckoned
Verb problem
considered
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 important since it is necessary to face challenges in today’s world. To exemplify, in the workforce,
people
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 still need to compete to get their proposed position as the chance is limited. Notwithstanding,
while
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people
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 become employees they are urged to cooperate with their coworkers, competition is undeniably a matter in
higher
Correct article usage
the higher
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 level of
company's
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the company's
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 affairs. Cultivating that sense as early as possible,
hence
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, is indispensable.
Conversely
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, other
people
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 come to the realization that
collaboration
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 is now more important than ever to be taught
toward
Change preposition
to
show examples
children
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 as it will contribute to their fruitfulness as they grow older. The underlying reason for
this
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 is some chores are possibly done if only they work collaboratively.
For instance
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, to formulate outstanding products, excellent teamwork is needed across interdisciplinary parties. It is to emphasize,
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
 better they collaborate, the more opportunity they get to achieve the common goals. From my own perspective,
collaboration
Use synonyms
 is far more important for
children
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 to learn as they will need to utilize that ability in the future. Collectively, the betterment of the world will only be unlocked if a skyrocketing number of
people
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 is willing to cooperate.
To sum up
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, despite the necessity of a sense of rivalry in order to obtain certain advantages,
collaboration
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 inevitably needs to be cultivated among
children
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. By doing so,
hence
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, they will be more able to seize the opportunity in the future to create better solutions.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task achievement
Be sure to introduce both views clearly in your introduction to provide a snapshot of the essay to come. This sets the stage for a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Use specific examples to support your points. While you mentioned general scenarios, including real-world examples or hypothetical cases with more detail could greatly enhance your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on the progression of ideas within paragraphs. Use clear topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph, followed by explanations and examples to support this idea. This will make your arguments more coherent.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear connection between paragraphs. Transition words like "However", "Furthermore", and "On the other hand" can help create a smoother flow between contrasting ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion does a good job of summarizing the essay and stating your opinion. Ensure that the conclusion directly addresses the essay prompt and ties all your points together.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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