IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that children should learn world history. Others believe that it is more important to learn the history of their own country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Ancient
history
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 is very important in
growth
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the growth
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 of a
country
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. It has been argued by some individuals that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children should have
the
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apply
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knowledge
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 of global
history
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while
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 few
people
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 believe that it is more necessary to learn
the
Change preposition
about the
show examples
 past achievements of their own
country
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. In my opinion, it should be mandatory for all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
educational institutions to make their pupils study both world and their own
country
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's
heritage
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.  
Firstly
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, many
people
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 are of the opinion that the students should have the
knowledge
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 about the global
history
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. Some young individuals aspire to migrate to other countries for their
career
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careers
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. Having the
knowledge
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 of
world's
Correct article usage
the world's
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heritage
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,
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apply
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 will help them to decide their future and set a career path for themselves.
For example
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, a
country
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 can be
great
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a great
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 destination for students who are interested in automobiles and
other
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another country
other countries
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country
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 can be a good place for
people
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 who
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
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 to study technology. So, learning about the
country
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's past achievements
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 very important for
people
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 who are at
their
Change the word
a
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 young age to decide their path if they want to migrate to other parts of the world.  
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 think that it is very important for all the students to learn their
country
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's
heritage
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. Tourism is very incumbent to a
country
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's growth. If the children have
the
Correct article usage
apply
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knowledge
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 about their
country
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's
archeological
Change the spelling
archaeological
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 achievements, they can spread the
knowledge
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 to their friends in their workplace which will create an interest among other
people
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 and
as a
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result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
country
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's economic growth can be boosted.
Thus
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, making children learn about
the
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apply
show examples
history
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 can be a huge benefit for their
country
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.  
To sum up
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,
although
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 some individuals feel
that is
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 very important to learn
their
Change preposition
about their
show examples
 own
country
Use synonyms
's
heritage
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, I believe that it is equally important to learn about the global past so that it can
beneficial
Add a missing verb
be beneficial
show examples
 for
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
 career.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and logical structure. While the essay shows a good structure overall, try to improve the flow between ideas, especially within paragraphs, to strengthen coherence.
coherence cohesion
Introduce your topic and conclude your essay effectively. Your introduction and conclusion are strong, but make sure they fully encapsulate the main points and your opinion to tie the essay together better.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed examples. You mentioned a few instances, but expanding on these with more specific details can enhance your argument and make your points more convincing.
task achievement
Address the task fully by discussing both views and providing your opinion, which you have done. To further improve, make sure each viewpoint and your own opinion have balanced development and clear, comprehensive articulation.
task achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your ideas. This can greatly enhance the depth of your discussion and provide a stronger base for your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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