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Band 5

Some Countries have implemented mandatory community programs for young people. In these programs, children aged 16 to 18 do charity work, help old people or work with animals. What are some advantages and disadvantages for this for young people?

#countries #community #programs #people #children #charity #work #animals
The obligatory
community
 service where teens are mandated to do voluntary work to help
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
, has sparked a substantial debate around the globe.
While
 some
advocates
Fix the agreement mistake
advocate
show examples
 for
this
 because of the benefits
such
 as
it helps
Wrong verb form
helping
show examples
 children develop soft
skills
,
as well as
foster
Wrong verb form
fostering
show examples
 a sense of
community
, others contend against it, highlighting the drawbacks which are picking up of sickness from the aged and potential harm from aggressive animals. Analyzing these facts will give a comprehensive overview of
this
 subject matter. On the one hand, diseases can easily be picked up by these teens
while
 helping out elderly people. Another possible demerit is that unfriendly pets can attack or injure them
on
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in
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 the work process.
For instance
, I was treated
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 tuberculosis when I was young because of my frequent visits to old people’s care
home
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homes
show examples
. Clearly,
this
 is an ill health
only
Correct pronoun usage
that only
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 being around the elderly would cause.
Hence
, it is apparent that
this
 is a drawback to
society
 and not good for the child’s well-being.
On the other hand
, teenagers can develop soft
skills
 by caring for people or animals.
Furthermore
, the arrangements would foster a sense of
community
,
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apply
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 and love which has become obsolete nowadays.
For example
, my nephew showed a lot of empathy recently,
even
Correct word choice
and even
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 went as far as reserving some of his lunch for a pet he met at the animal rehabilitation center. Obviously, he would not
pick
Wrong verb form
have picked
show examples
 up these
skills
 if he
was
Verb problem
had
show examples
 not asked to volunteer at school.
Therefore
, it is clear
this
community
 programs are beneficial to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
. In conclusion, some
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 implemented compulsory
community
 programs where people between the
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 of 16 to 18 do charity work, which has prompted a considerable evaluation. Many support
this
 initiative,
due to
Change preposition
because
show examples
 it promotes adaptability
skills
 and collaboration in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
Whereas others
Correct word choice
Others
show examples
 refute it, because of possible disadvantages
such
 as transferring diseases to teens and injuries
could
Correct pronoun usage
that could
show examples
 be caused by animals. Examining
this
 factuality has given
an
Correct pronoun usage
me an
show examples
 extensive understanding of the merits and demerits of
this
 topic.
Submitted by Eby on

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Task Achievement
Provide a clearer, more detailed introduction. Briefly outline the advantages and disadvantages you plan to discuss to give the reader a clear overview of your essay structure.
Coherence & Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of linking devices to connect ideas more effectively. Use conjunctions, topic sentences, and transitional phrases to enhance the flow between paragraphs and within paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Support your arguments with more varied and detailed examples. Instead of relying on personal anecdotes, try to include broader, more universally applicable examples or statistics to strengthen your points.
Task Achievement
Ensure a balanced discussion of both sides of the argument. While you've mentioned both advantages and disadvantages, aim for equal treatment in terms of development and analysis of each perspective.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider revising the conclusion to more succinctly summarize the key points made in the essay, as well as reiterating the overall stance without introducing new information.
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