IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree?

All authorities are responsible for supporting their citizens to be safe. Some groups of
people
Use synonyms
 assert that officials must make more effort to procure the security of their
countries
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 other groups claim that providing social benefits should be prioritized by the governments.
However
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, I believe that governments should be able to provide both
safety
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 and social interests. On the one hand, security and
safety
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 matters are one of the major issues that have made countless concerns all over the world. Habitats of a country will not be satisfied or calm unless they are provided with
a
Correct article usage
apply
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secure and safe
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
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 in their
countries
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.
For instance
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,
dearth
Correct article usage
the dearth
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 of
safety
Use synonyms
 in
countries
Use synonyms
 like Afghanistan, Syria, and Pakistan not only has brought life dissatisfaction for these
countries
Use synonyms
' dwellers but
also
Linking Words
 made
people
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 in
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
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countries
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 worried about their own
countries
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' conditions.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, governments have various and multiple responsibilities regarding
people
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's requirements.
Although
Linking Words
 security is a vital part of each country's policy, it is not the one and only aspect of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society that must be considered. It is essential that
,
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apply
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 all needs of a nation, including financial, economic, social, and political ones, are met
that
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which
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 can cause the residents of that area to become more satisfied and jubilant.
For example
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, a country like North Korea has
conflict
Add an article
a conflict
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 with almost all
countries
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 over the world in order to keep its territory safe.
This
Linking Words
safety
Use synonyms
 is just for its terrain and has not been able to bring its
people
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 freedom, delightfulness, satisfaction,
and
Correct word choice
apply
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etc. In conclusion, I believe that a qualified government considers both
Use synonyms
safety
Correct article usage
the safety
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 and social benefits of its citizens, and tries to make a balance between providing both of them.

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task achievement
Make sure to explicitly state your opinion in the introduction, ensuring the reader knows where you stand from the very beginning. This helps in establishing a clear stance which you can then develop throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has logical structure and a clear introduction and conclusion, improve cohesion by using a variety of linking words and phrases. This can help in smoothly connecting ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
To enhance task achievement, insist on providing more specific examples to support your arguments. This could involve citing statistics, real-life occurrences, or hypothetical situations that are directly related to the topic at hand.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • national security
  • sovereignty
  • foreign entities
  • military sector
  • economic growth
  • inequality
  • vulnerable populations
  • elderly
  • disabled
  • unemployed
  • social stability
  • public health
  • balanced approach
  • appropriate funding
  • nation’s needs
  • priorities
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