IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Most countries spend large amounts of money on weapons to defend themselves even when they are not at war. Some believe those countries should spend the money to help poor countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #amounts #money #weapons #war #believe
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A school of thought holds that governments should allocate money to help underdeveloped
nations
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instead
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 of spending on boosting their military prowess because they are not facing
imminent
Correct article usage
the imminent
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 threat of war. In my opinion, I agree with
this
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 view. On the one hand, there are several reasons why reinforcing military strength is
of
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apply
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importance
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important
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 for a nation, even in peacetime. First and foremost, a capable armed force plays a vital role in not only territorial sovereignty but
also
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 national security and stability of a country.
This
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 is because having a military capacity would allow a swift response to potential threats
such
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 as terrorist attacks and deter other
nations
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 from threatening
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 territorial integrity.
However
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, constantly boosting military strength or testing new weapons may give rise to an escalating arms race that can cause tensions and even conflicts between countries, especially
neighboring
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neighbouring
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nations
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.
Moreover
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, the constant testing of weapons
such
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 as nuclear bombs and ballistic missiles and the development of new military technologies can have serious environmental consequences, leading to the release of harmful pollutants and contributing to the degradation of ecosystems.
On the other hand
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, I strongly believe that a portion of the
defense
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defence
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 budget could be allocated to addressing global poverty and humanitarian crises.
This
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 is because many wars and conflicts in the world derive from poverty, inequality and oppression, which create desperation and resentment among people.
Hence
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, by providing financial support to poorer countries, developed
nations
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 can help impoverished ones address the root of their problems,
such
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 as lack of education, health care and democracy.
This
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 would improve not only the living standards and human rights of millions of people
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 a sense of solidarity and cooperation between
nations
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.
As a result
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, the world would become a safer and more harmonious place, where weapons are less needed.
Moreover
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, the reallocation of
defense
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defence
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 funds will
also
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 lead to a reduction in the number of weapon tests and the
amount
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number
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 of greenhouse gases
as well as
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 the detrimental environmental impacts of
defense
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defence
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 industries will be lessened. In conclusion,
although
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 it is imperative to bolster military capabilities, superpowers should use their resources and influence to improve the lives of others, as
this
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 would have positive impacts on global peace
as well as
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 the environment.
Submitted by weezel on

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task achievement
While your essay successfully addresses the prompt and provides a clear stance on the issue, incorporating specific examples or case studies to support your points would further strengthen your argument. For instance, mentioning a particular country that has successfully balanced military spending and foreign aid would provide more depth and clarity.
coherence cohesion
At the end of the introduction, briefly outline the main points you will discuss. This will give the reader a clear roadmap of your essay and enhance its coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-structured essay with clear paragraphs that logically flow from one point to the next. However, make sure to use more transitional phrases to link ideas within paragraphs, ensuring a smoother flow of information.
task achievement
Your essay presents clear and comprehensive ideas that effectively address the prompt. This shows a deep understanding of the topic and the ability to discuss it thoroughly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps in effectively conveying your argument and makes the essay easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
You have supported your main points with relevant arguments, which adds credibility to your stance. This strengthens your overall argument.
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