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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say arts such as music and painting cannot directly improve the quality of people's life, so the government should not put money on art such as music and painting, instead, they should spend more money on construction of public services. Do you agree or disagree?

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People
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 have different opinions about whether the
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
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 should allocate money to art sections,
such
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 as music and painting. Some of them insist that governments should put more money into public services as the
arts
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 have no direct contribution to
people
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's quality of life. Here, I will explain why I agree with
this
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 view. Admittedly,
arts
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, including music and painting, can cultivate one's sentiment, and impact one's mental health to some extent.
This
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 can be proved by the prevalence of popular music and so many painting exhibitions in cities or the application of
arts
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 as psychotherapy. Nowadays, it has become an indispensable part of
people
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's lives, especially in developed countries and regions, so it is very important to invest in and develop them in various ways.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 does not automatically mean that governments should take the burden.
Instead
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, they should provide more grants for the construction of public services rather than the
arts
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 for several reasons.
First,
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there are diverse forms of art in society and
people
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 have different tastes and preferences for them.
Therefore
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, if governments allocate funds to these all, it would lavish a tight budget and impose a heavy financial burden on them.
Secondly
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, any government spending is at the taxpayer's expense.
Thus
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, the limited financial resources should be invested in public services, which are directly related to strengthening the construction of urban and rural public facilities, including education, science and technology, health system, transport, etc. These are all rigid demands in modern cities which can guarantee the level of happiness. As for
arts
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, investment in them should be left to the private sector, and the government could play a regulatory role in the development of
this
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 industry.
To conclude
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,
although
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arts
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 are crucial to the human race, the government would be well-advised to leave them to the private sector and take citizens' desperate needs into consideration when allocating money.

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task achievement
While your introduction clearly presents your viewpoint, it would benefit from a more explicit outline of the main points that will be discussed. This can enhance clarity for the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use a range of cohesive devices smoothly to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. Some phrases seem slightly repetitive or mechanical.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes your stance, but it could be strengthened by revisiting the main supporting arguments briefly, which would reinforce your overall message.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as psychotherapy and the impact of arts on mental health, which strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your vocabulary is quite good, and you use a variety of sentence structures, which keeps the reader engaged.
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