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Some people think that the education system should only focus on preparing students for employment, while others believe it has other important functions. Discuss both side and then give your opinion

#people #education #system #focus #students #employment #functions #side
There is an opinion that the main meaning of education is future employment,
while
 others believe that it holds more important functions. It is a key aspect in modern-day society to have a stable job, which provides money for entertainment, travelling, health and basically for a living.
On the other hand
, people advocate for the fact that education cares more purpose to a child's development.
Overall
, the main result of school and university
work
 is to provide a student with knowledge that can be used in future
work
.
For instance
, in South Korea, pupils start to worry about their future careers from middle school, and their parents even earlier, because of the huge competition for highly paid positions.
Therefore
, there is no need for them to spend their time on anything
that is
 not useful in the long term.
However
, it is important to note that studying takes on average approximately 15 years
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and that complex process can not just be seen as a preparation for job hunting. At a young age, people should learn knowledge that
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 fundamental for their development.
Moreover
, life is not just about
work
, and people
also
 should know how artistically express themselves, take care of their mental health and be physically active. In conclusion,
work
 is a key aspect of
Change noun form
everybody's
show examples
everybody
Change noun form
everybody's
show examples
 lives and education gives the opportunity to land a high position.
However
, children
also
 must be generally educated and know core activities that may not be useful
while
 working. In my opinion, an individual can get a lot more from learning rather than a good job.
Submitted by dyussenovaanel on

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Task Response
Expand on your examples by providing more specific details to strengthen your argument. For instance, besides mentioning South Korea’s competitive job market, include statistical data or real-life outcomes to show the effect on students’ choices and education system.
Coherence and Cohesion
While you have an apparent structure, improve your essay by adding more cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences to each paragraph. This will enhance the flow of your essay and make it easier for the reader to follow your points.
Task Response
Enhance your conclusion by summarizing both viewpoints more clearly before stating your opinion, this will make your final stance more impactful and grounded on the previously discussed arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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