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Band 5.5

Some parents give their children everything that their children ask for or allow them to do whatever they want to do. Is this good for children? What could be consequences for these children when they grow up?

#parents #children #consequences
Nowadays many
parents
 give their
children
 everything they want and allow them to do whatever they want to do, which reveals that they are doting their kids. Some people think that it is good for
children
,
while
 others think it is not, which sparks a controversial discussion. From my perspective, spoiling
children
 is definitely detrimental and will lead to
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
destructive consequences for these
children
 when they grow up.
According to
 a survey conducted by the University of Hong Kong, spoiled
children
 generally have a stronger pursuit of material wealth. When
children
 are still in the stage of mental adolescence, what they usually want is nothing more than money. If their
parents
 do not control their
desire
Fix the agreement mistake
desires
show examples
, they will be keen to spend cash until there is no more left,
then
 ask their
parents
 for more. It will be a vicious cycle.
In addition
,
children
 usually spend money on games, especially
children
 who with immature
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
. If they are not controlled at that time, they will put all their resources into playing games and do not think
that is
 wrong, which will make them a wrong value in the future.
Therefore
, not letting them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
develop bad habits that they are used to asking for,
parents
 should not give their
children
 everything that they ask for.
Moreover
, before their minds are mature,
children
’s thinking
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 easy to deviate. Smoking, drinking, gambling or even drug addiction are likely to happen if guardians allow them to do whatever they want to do. These harmful
behaviors
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behaviours
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 are often associated with criminal activities. Based on a recent study, most of the crimes were committed by the unrestricted who
grow
Wrong verb form
grew
show examples
 up in a doting environment, which exposes the detrimental consequences of spoiling
children
.
Thus
, not allowing
children
 to do whatever they want to do is a protection
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them. Based on the above, I solidly believe that giving
children
 everything that they ask for and allowing them to do whatever they want to do, which regarded as spoiling them, absolutely
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to a poisonous consequence to
children
 when they grow up.
Submitted by 842623369 on

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task achievement
To improve task response, work on providing more relevant and specific examples to support your points. Incorporate a wider range of evidence, such as statistics, research findings, or personal anecdotes, to make your argument more persuasive and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure that your essay flows well from one idea to the next. Use a variety of transitional words and phrases to help readers understand the connection between your ideas. Also, consider organizing your paragraphs around a single main idea, supported by examples or explanations, to enhance the logical structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • indulgence
  • overindulgence
  • leniency
  • emotional resilience
  • rejection
  • entitlement
  • realistic expectations
  • self-regulated behavior
  • egocentric
  • financial management
  • professional relationships
  • collaboratively
  • criticism
  • appreciation
  • value
  • effort
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