IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Many people think relatives are supposed to incentivize their kids into participating in
group
Use synonyms
 activities,
while
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 others support letting the younger ones figure
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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out what to do with their free time on their own.
This
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 essay discusses both sides of
this
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 argument and explains why I believe being in a
group
Use synonyms
 is better. Some believe parents should support their
children
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 into being part
in
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of
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 a team in their free time. The first benefit is that by participating in
group
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 activities, kids can develop their social skills more easily, by learning how to work in a
group
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.
For instance
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, after my niece started going to volleyball classes, she became more open to teamwork at school. Another reason is that communication skills are
also
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 improved.
This
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 results from having to express their thoughts more clearly and learning how to actively
listen
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listen to
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 others' opinions.
However
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, others feel that
children
Use synonyms
 are supposed to learn what to do to occupy themselves when they are alone. The most significant reason is that it is important to let them develop their independence.
This
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 is because it will give them the opportunity to think for themselves.
In particular
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, independent
children
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 learn how to problem-solve more easily.
Moreover
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, it allows them to discover more about themselves.
This
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 is
due to
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 having to think more deeply about their preferences and dislikes. In conclusion, I believe both sides of the argument have merits.
However
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,
overall
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, I think the advantages of learning how to
teamwork
Correct your spelling
work
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 and the communication skills improvement outweigh the disadvantages of sometimes not knowing how to solve a problem on their own or lacking personal knowledge.
Furthermore
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, in my opinion, personal knowledge can be enhanced with help from their parents, by them
estimulating
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stimulating
estimating
 their
children
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's thought
process
Fix the agreement mistake
processes
show examples
 regarding their feelings and opinions.

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Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure a clear introduction and conclusion are present in your essay. The introduction should briefly introduce the topic and state your opinion, while the conclusion should summarize the discussed points and reiterate your stance. Your essay does this well, but refining your introduction and conclusion to more succinctly encapsulate your arguments may enhance clarity.
Logical Structure
Organize your essay logically by grouping related ideas and arguments together. Use transitional phrases to help the reader follow your argument. Your essay demonstrates a logical flow, but employing a wider variety of transitional phrases could help improve the cohesion between ideas further.
Supported Main Points
Support your main points with clear examples or explanations. While your essay includes some examples, more detailed and specific instances could strengthen your arguments. Consider incorporating unique personal experiences or more specific scenarios to support your claims.
Complete Response
Address the task fully by covering all parts of the prompt. Make sure to discuss both views and offer your own opinion in a balanced way. You've managed to touch on both perspectives and your own, but providing a more balanced discussion could improve your score. Consider dedicating equal attention to both sides of the argument before asserting your opinion.
Clear & Comprehensive Ideas
Ensure your ideas are clear and comprehensive throughout the essay. Each paragraph should convey one main idea, followed by explanations or examples. Your essay presents clear ideas, but striving for more depth in the explanation of your reasons and examples could make your arguments more compelling.
Relevant & Specific Examples
Use relevant and specific examples to support your points. Your essay contains examples that contribute to your argument, but incorporating more varied and detailed examples could showcase your understanding of the topic better.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • occupied
  • organized
  • group activities
  • benefits
  • social
  • teamwork skills
  • interpersonal skills
  • friendship
  • discipline
  • time management
  • interests
  • hobbies
  • independent play
  • creativity
  • problem-solving skills
  • self-reliance
  • explore
  • discover
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