The precentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

#precentage #children #society #ten #years #effects #trend

In the

last

ten years, the proportion of

children

with excessive weight has become one of the most concerning issues in Western society and increased by about 20%. The reason behind

this

problem is unhealthy food and a sedentary lifestyle.

As a result

, there are several side effects of being overweight,

such

as physical and mental health problems. There are certain reasons why populations of the western countries, especially low age groups, have gained a great number of weights for the

last

10 years. One main factor is cheap processed

meals

and junky food which

children

can easily afford to buy without preparing themselves.

Moreover

, these unhealthy

meals

mostly taste different than regular home

meals

, and they

also

have special advertisement methods to draw juveniles’ attention. The second point is the sedentary life of many

children

that

Correct word choice

and

show examples

they are likely to spend most of their time

Change preposition

apply

show examples

playing online games or watching TV. They had had active lifestyles before these technological devices gained popularity among young individuals.

For instance

, most

children

often preferred to play outside with their friends in fresh air in the past. Overweight might adversely influence the society of Western countries in a number of ways. One of them is physical problems which are related to excessive kilograms gained by

children

. Mass fatness can make juveniles’ life more challenging because it leads to respiratory issues, difficulties in movement and heart diseases.

Secondly

children

can face bullying and discrimination at school because of their appearance.

Therefore

this

has a negative impact on their mental health and studies. In conclusion,

meals

with extra food chemicals and staying behind screen all day are the major causes underlying the issue which will result in health problems among young individuals.

Submitted by writingbhos on Sun Mar 24 2024

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Task Response

To improve in Task Response, focus on fully addressing all parts of the task. This includes providing a more diversified range of causes and effects, and ensuring that each is explored in depth with specific examples. Although you have provided a good overview, deepening your analysis would enhance your score.

Coherence & Cohesion

For Coherence and Cohesion, work on enhancing the logical flow between your ideas more smoothly. Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Also, consider developing your paragraphs with a clearer topic sentence and more detailed supporting sentences that connect directly back to the main topic of the essay.

Development

To elevate your essay, incorporate more specific examples and evidence to support your points. While you mention some causes and effects, providing concrete examples or statistical data would strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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9Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

288 words

6.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 7.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

Proliferation
Sedentary lifestyle
Processed foods
Socioeconomic factors
Childhood obesity
Obesity-related conditions
Stigmatization
Fast food culture
Physical activity
Home-cooked meals
Healthcare system
Psychological problems
Diabetes
Heart disease

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The precentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

•Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The most important aim of science should be to improve people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some believe that eventually all jobs will be done by artificially intelligent robots. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

These days people are using the Internet for shopping, work and to communicate with others without the need for face-to-face meetings. Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages?

Some people spend most of their lives living close to where they were born. What might be the reason for this? what are the advantages and disadvantages?