In some countries there are more young people choosing to enrol in work-based training instead of attending university. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

One
of the widely discussed issues nowadays is that young
people
choose
IT related
Add a hyphen
IT-related
show examples
jobs
. It is undeniable that IT professions have become an essential part of our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
I will look at facts about
people
's
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
,
examine
Correct word choice
and examine
show examples
factors responsible for
this
opinion.
One
of the main causes of young
people
choosing
IT related
Add a hyphen
IT-related
show examples
jobs
is that these professions are
in-demand
in future.
One
clear example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
reason is engineering.
One
of the main activities of an engineer is solving technical problems.
People
will need it a lot of time. It is a result of our improving technologies every year. The second cause that might be noted, in my view, is their
salaries
. Everybody in the world knows that
IT related
Add a hyphen
IT-related
show examples
workers have the biggest
salaries
.
For instance
,
last
year engineers had the
biggest
Correct your spelling
highest
show examples
salaries
according to
topmoney.com . It is a result of how
this
profession is
in-demand
Correct your spelling
in demand
show examples
. Based on
this
website we can see that 70% of humanity went to an engineer for help. The first cause mentioned above has led to how young
people
are hard-working. They are going to work most of the time. Because their
jobs
are very
in-demand
Correct your spelling
in demand
show examples
in the future. Another cause mentioned above has led to how young
people
want to live. We described the second reason depending on
IT related
Add a hyphen
IT-related
show examples
jobs
'
salaries
and they are very big.
Then
,
for
this
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
we can say that all young
people
want to be rich. Having weighed everything mentioned
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, we can come to
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
conclusion that more and more young
people
are going to work
IT related
Add a hyphen
IT-related
show examples
professions for their
in-demand
jobs
and their big 
salaries
.
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay attempts to address the topic, but the response does not fully answer the question asked. The task was to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of work-based training compared to attending university, but your essay focuses mainly on why young people choose IT-related jobs. To improve, make sure your essay directly addresses the question. Offer comparison between work-based training and university education, discussing both advantages and disadvantages of these paths.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion that directly address the question. Start with an introduction that paraphrases the task and states your opinion on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. End with a conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your opinion. This will give your essay a cohesive structure and help the reader understand your argument better.
coherence cohesion
While you provide examples, your essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences that introduce your main points. Each paragraph should begin with a clear statement that summarises the main idea of the paragraph. This will help improve the logical flow of your essay and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, make sure each paragraph is clearly linked to your main argument. Use transitional phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This will help your essay to flow more smoothly and make your points more persuasive.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-based training
  • enrol
  • university
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • practical skills
  • experience
  • workforce
  • employment
  • earnings
  • opportunities
  • further education
  • theoretical knowledge
  • career options
  • exploitation
  • balance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: