IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries there are more young people choosing to enrol in work-based training instead of attending university. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #enrol #university #situation
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One
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 of the widely discussed issues nowadays is that young
people
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 choose
IT related
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IT-related
show examples
jobs
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. It is undeniable that IT professions have become an essential part of our
life
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lives
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. In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will look at facts about
people
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's
view
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views
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,
examine
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and examine
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 factors responsible for
this
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 opinion.
One
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 of the main causes of young
people
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 choosing
IT related
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IT-related
show examples
jobs
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 is that these professions are
in-demand
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 in future.
One
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 clear example
Linking Words
for
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of
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this
Linking Words
 reason is engineering.
One
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 of the main activities of an engineer is solving technical problems.
People
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 will need it a lot of time. It is a result of our improving technologies every year. The second cause that might be noted, in my view, is their
salaries
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. Everybody in the world knows that
IT related
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IT-related
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 workers have the biggest
salaries
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.
For instance
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,
last
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 year engineers had the
biggest
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highest
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salaries
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according to
Linking Words
 topmoney.com . It is a result of how
this
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 profession is
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in-demand
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in demand
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. Based on
this
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 website we can see that 70% of humanity went to an engineer for help. The first cause mentioned above has led to how young
people
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 are hard-working. They are going to work most of the time. Because their
jobs
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 are very
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in-demand
Correct your spelling
in demand
show examples
 in the future. Another cause mentioned above has led to how young
people
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 want to live. We described the second reason depending on
IT related
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IT-related
show examples
jobs
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'
salaries
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 and they are very big.
Then
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,
for
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this
Linking Words
reason
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reason,
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 we can say that all young
people
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 want to be rich. Having weighed everything mentioned
up
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apply
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, we can come to
a
Correct article usage
the
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 conclusion that more and more young
people
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 are going to work
IT related
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IT-related
show examples
 professions for their
in-demand
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jobs
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 and their big 
salaries
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.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
Your essay attempts to address the topic, but the response does not fully answer the question asked. The task was to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of work-based training compared to attending university, but your essay focuses mainly on why young people choose IT-related jobs. To improve, make sure your essay directly addresses the question. Offer comparison between work-based training and university education, discussing both advantages and disadvantages of these paths.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion that directly address the question. Start with an introduction that paraphrases the task and states your opinion on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. End with a conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your opinion. This will give your essay a cohesive structure and help the reader understand your argument better.
coherence cohesion
While you provide examples, your essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences that introduce your main points. Each paragraph should begin with a clear statement that summarises the main idea of the paragraph. This will help improve the logical flow of your essay and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, make sure each paragraph is clearly linked to your main argument. Use transitional phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This will help your essay to flow more smoothly and make your points more persuasive.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-based training
  • enrol
  • university
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • practical skills
  • experience
  • workforce
  • employment
  • earnings
  • opportunities
  • further education
  • theoretical knowledge
  • career options
  • exploitation
  • balance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: