IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

One of the consequence of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#consequence #care #people #life #expectancy #development
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In the present times, the upgraded medical
care
 system can have both positive and negative outcomes in society. Despite that condition;
however
, I agree that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages, which will be discussed in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, medical
care
improvements
 can result in the soaring price of bills. Since a remarkable amount of money
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 been invested to upgrade the quality of
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
 deliveries, it is acceptable if
people
 are compelled to pay back in a higher amount. Take,
for example
, the increasing birth surgery bills that
occur
Wrong verb form
have occurred
show examples
 at Pondok Indah Hospital in the past few years
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
due to
 the decision to upgrade their operation tools
as well as
 the facilities in patient's
room
Fix the agreement mistake
rooms
show examples
 for post-operation. Even though that phenomenon is inevitable, I still believe it is no longer important since the government already established health insurance to compensate those who cannot afford to pay for their hospital bills.
On the other hand
, it causes
people
 to have a higher life expectancy. Generally, the
improvements
 that have been made can be utilised to take preventive actions to alleviate the risks from particular
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
, which can make
people
 receive advanced treatment before they
are getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 worse.
For example
, the novel cancer-detector equipment
that is
 used by one of
eminent
Add an article
the eminent
an eminent
show examples
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
show examples
 in America successfully
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 one of their citizens, Teressa,
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
quickly receive
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
early treatment for her
conditions
Fix the agreement mistake
condition
show examples
.
As a result
, the doctor stated that her chance to live has risen to 48%
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since the cancer is detected earlier than it should,
Therefore
, I think the
improvements
 in medical
care
 will have
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 impact on society because it heightens the likelihood to suffer from diseases that can be prevented earlier.
To conclude
,
although
 the
improvements
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
clinical
care
resulting
Replace the word
result
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 higher amount of
bill
Fix the agreement mistake
bills
show examples
 that should be paid, I still think the benefits outweigh the earlier drawbacks since
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can make
people
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
live longevity by preventing the given symptoms of diseases earlier.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
To improve your essay's logical structure, ensure that your paragraphs clearly follow one another in a logical sequence. This can be achieved by making clear connections between your ideas and structuring your essay so that each paragraph flows naturally to the next.
coherence cohesion
Include both an introduction and a conclusion to frame your essay properly. Your introduction should outline the essay’s topic and your stance on it, while your conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your position clearly.
coherence cohesion
To better support your main points, provide detailed evidence, examples, or explanations for each argument you make. This will strengthen your essay by offering clear backing for your positions.
task achievement
Ensure your essay fully addresses the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages in balanced detail. Furthermore, explicitly state if you believe one outweighs the other, providing specific reasons and examples to support your view.
task achievement
Strive for clarity and comprehensiveness in presenting your ideas. Organize your thoughts clearly, use paragraphing effectively, and avoid ambiguity in your argumentation.
task achievement
Use specific and relevant examples to substantiate your arguments. This makes your claims more convincing and your essay more engaging to the reader.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • medical care
  • quality of life
  • manageable
  • curable
  • economic strain
  • aging population
  • social security
  • workforce challenges
  • sustainability
  • overpopulation
  • environmental issues
  • standards of living
What to do next:
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