Some people think that success in life comes from ard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Dicuss both views and give your opinion
It is a debatable topic
that
whether Correct pronoun usage
apply
success
in life is made by working hard and determination
or other factors such
as how rich or how good-looking they are. This
writer
confidently says that enthusiasm is a better way to gain success
.
To begin
with, it is undeniable that determination
is not just helping people
achieve their goals in life but also
turning them into better people
. Enthusiasm and hard work offer motivation for people
to complete their tasks quickly and effectively so that they will give a good impression to
their
counterparts Change preposition
of
as well as
their managers. As a result
, they have more opportunities to get promotions in their jobs or their academic studies despite their unpleasant appearance and status . Stephen Hawkin and Nick Vujicic, for example
, are disabled people
and they are assumed to be failures but turns out they become a giant in their field. What is more, they both have a family which means that they are not just being successful in their jobs but in their personal life too. To sum up
, no matter who they are and where they come from, if they have the desire to succeed and determination
to obtain it, they will see it Correct article usage
the determination
be
done.
Unnecessary verb
apply
On the other hand
, those who argue that cash and beauty will help them gain success
easier than being a workaholic. The first impression that people
have on each other is the face and the body respectively, people
would like to interact with those who are charming and physically fit. What is more, financial background also
plays a vital role in success
because people
tend to socialise with people
who have the same status in society. For these reasons, with the advantage of appearance and finance, people
can attract the same opportunities in a shorter period of time.
From the writer
's perspective view, he believes that appearance and income can not guarantee a stable success
and it can usually trigger a lot of troubles, in fact. Famous actors and actresses or celebrities, for instance
, are considered to be a success
initially
but numerous scandals later on will lead them to be a
failures. Meanwhile, Correct article usage
apply
this
script is unlikely to happen within intelligent people
.
In conclusion, both statements have their convincing points. However
, this
writer
agrees with individuals who choose the path of determination
because this
world needs talent, not beauty. This
essay has enough pieces of evidence to prove the writer
's point of view.Submitted by [email protected] on
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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that your essay is structured logically, with clear paragraphs that each focus on a specific point. Consider using linking words and phrases to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion should be distinct and summarise your stance clearly. Ensure they are present and effectively introduce and conclude your discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support your main points with relevant examples and explanations. While you have provided some examples, diversifying and further elaborating on these could strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Respond directly and fully to the task, ensuring that you discuss both views presented in the prompt and provide a clear personal stance on the issue.
Task Achievement
Clarify and develop your ideas further in the essay. While your essay provides a good attempt at answering the prompt, exploring the ideas in more depth and providing more detailed examples could enhance clarity and comprehensiveness.
Task Achievement
Ensure that you provide relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. You have made a good start with the provided examples, but further specificity and relevance to the central claim could make your argument more compelling.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example