IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard-working and determination, while others think that there more important factors such as money or appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #determination #factors #money #appearance
It is believed that
people
 who are hard-working and determined can achieve
success
 in life,
while
 others argue that money, emergence and other factors play a vital role.
This
 essay aims to discuss both sides and showcase the writer’s opinion that
success
 is a result of strong ambitions and efforts. It should be admitted that financial status and appearance are vital
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 some jobs.
For instance
, the airline industry’s priority is recruiting applicants who look attractive and have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good physical health
or
Correct word choice
while
show examples
 the entertainment industry
prefer
Correct subject-verb agreement
prefers
show examples
 to train beautiful talents
for becoming
Change preposition
to become
show examples
 professional singers or actors.
Additionally
, money is
also
 a regardable factor
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
’s
success
 as it can provide opportunities for employees studying at the most well-known university or looking for a job abroad.
However
, singers’ fans are ready to queue for a long time so as to
listening
Change the form of the verb
listen
show examples
 to magical melodies but not to enjoy the appearance because
people
 can go to fashion shows
instead
.
On the other hand
, key elements for achieving
success
 are making efforts and strong motivations. Perhaps the world would still be covered in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
darkness when the Sun goes down if Edison chose to give up after having suffered from many failures. Another example is Amee, who is a famous Vietnamese singer,
is
Correct word choice
and is
show examples
 often celebrated for her hard-working years as a student. It is evident that determination and attempts can help
people
 get over many difficult situations, developing their own values and
finally
 becoming successful. In conclusion,
despites
Correct your spelling
despite
show examples
 the importance of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
beauty and money in many careers, the writer
advocate
Change the verb form
advocates
show examples
 the idea that successful
people
 are
who
Correct determiner usage
those who
show examples
 never give up their dreams and always try to achieve them. Hard-working and determination have been approved as keys
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
success
 through various models
Submitted by zky1705202 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay has a clear logical structure, separating paragraphs clearly and linking ideas within and between paragraphs. Using a variety of cohesive devices can help with this.
task achievement
For task achievement, make sure to directly address the prompt throughout the essay, and include a balanced discussion of both views before stating your opinion. Support your points with specific, detailed examples.
task achievement
Work on refining your thesis statement in the introduction to more explicitly state your position and what the essay will discuss. This will guide the reader more clearly.
task achievement
Try to develop your conclusion further by summarizing both views alongside your opinion, reinforcing the reasoning behind your stance. This makes your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and inaccuracies in word choice that can detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of your writing. Consistent proofreading can help mitigate these issues.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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