Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is thought that hard work and determination
brings
Correct subject-verb agreement
bring
show examples
success to life,
whereas
others believe that outlook and income are some of the more crucial factors. Personally,
this
writer thinks that hard-working and determined
people
become successful
due to
their effort
of learning
Change preposition
to learn
show examples
new things, meanwhile,
money
and appearance only
people
dependent on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others.
Hence
, determination is better.
To begin
,
effortive
Correct your spelling
effective
and hard-working
people
become successful because they succeed in
acknowledge
Change the verb form
acknowledging
show examples
things. To explain, those
people
with good
personality
Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
show examples
never give up learning new things and
also
learn from their mistakes
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. Take Steven Jobs as an example, he was determined to try, fail and try again
although
he rejected applying to Harvard University and started his own business in a hard-working way. To continue, appearance and
money
only
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
people
dependent on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others. In explanation, individuals who succeed in life
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
beauty and finance without any academic knowledge or ability to earn
money
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
just depend on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
people
and cannot be independent.
Consequently
, because of being independent and having no knowledge,
people
will not be brought up or protected by other
people
when their appearance and
money
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
gone. In conclusion,
people
succeed
Correct pronoun usage
who succeed
show examples
in life
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
their own determination
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
better than those
people
who use beauty and
money
as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tool
Fix the agreement mistake
tools
show examples
to succeed. The reason is they have their own knowledge and they are not dependent on anybody.

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task achievement
Consider expanding your introduction to more clearly outline the views discussed and your stance on the topic. A brief mention of both perspectives can help set the stage for the essay.
task achievement
In discussing both views, ensure you dedicate approximately equal time and detail to each. While your essay presents good points, balancing the discussion enhances task response.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking phrases to better connect ideas between and within paragraphs, enhancing the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
To strengthen your conclusion, reiterate the main points of each perspective and clearly summarize your own stance, providing a strong closure.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific, real-life examples to support your points. While you mentioned Steve Jobs, further detail or additional examples could make your argument more persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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