Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
It is thought that hard work and determination
brings
success to life, Correct subject-verb agreement
bring
whereas
others believe that outlook and income are some of the more crucial factors. Personally, this
writer thinks that hard-working and determined people
become successful due to
their effort of learning
new things, meanwhile, Change preposition
to learn
money
and appearance only people
dependent on the
others. Correct article usage
apply
Hence
, determination is better.
To begin
, effortive
and hard-working Correct your spelling
effective
people
become successful because they succeed in acknowledge
things. To explain, those Change the verb form
acknowledging
people
with good personality
never give up learning new things and Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
also
learn from their mistakes everyday
. Take Steven Jobs as an example, he was determined to try, fail and try again Replace the word
every day
although
he rejected applying to Harvard University and started his own business in a hard-working way.
To continue, appearance and money
only makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
people
dependent on the
others. In explanation, individuals who succeed in life Correct article usage
apply
by
beauty and finance without any academic knowledge or ability to earn Change preposition
through
money
, they
just depend on Correct pronoun usage
apply
the
other Correct article usage
apply
people
and cannot be independent. Consequently
, because of being independent and having no knowledge, people
will not be brought up or protected by other people
when their appearance and money
is
gone.
In conclusion, Correct subject-verb agreement
are
people
succeed
in life Correct pronoun usage
who succeed
by
their own determination Change preposition
through
is
better than those Correct subject-verb agreement
are
people
who use beauty and money
as a
Correct article usage
apply
tool
to succeed. The reason is they have their own knowledge and they are not dependent on anybody.Fix the agreement mistake
tools
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task achievement
Consider expanding your introduction to more clearly outline the views discussed and your stance on the topic. A brief mention of both perspectives can help set the stage for the essay.
task achievement
In discussing both views, ensure you dedicate approximately equal time and detail to each. While your essay presents good points, balancing the discussion enhances task response.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking phrases to better connect ideas between and within paragraphs, enhancing the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
To strengthen your conclusion, reiterate the main points of each perspective and clearly summarize your own stance, providing a strong closure.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific, real-life examples to support your points. While you mentioned Steve Jobs, further detail or additional examples could make your argument more persuasive.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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