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Band 5.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
Both views hold some truth, but I believe that hard
work
 and
determination
 are more crucial
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 achieving
success
 in life.
While
factors
 like
money
 and
appearance
 can contribute, they are not the primary driving forces. The first view, which emphasizes hard
work
 and
determination
, is grounded in the idea that consistent effort and perseverance lead to
success
. People who put in the time, energy, and dedication to their goals often achieve them. They learn from their mistakes, adapt to challenges, and keep pushing forward.
This
 view is supported by numerous
success
 stories of individuals who have overcome adversity through sheer
determination
.
On the other hand
, the second view suggests that
factors
such
 as
money
 and
appearance
 play a significant role in
success
.
Money
 can provide access to better education, resources, and opportunities, which can contribute to achieving one's goals.
Additionally
,
appearance
 can influence how others perceive us, potentially opening doors or creating obstacles in our path.
However
, these
factors
 are often secondary to the individual's ability to
work
 hard and stay focused. In my opinion, hard
work
 and
determination
 are more critical
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 achieving
success
 in life.
While
factors
 like
money
 and
appearance
 can provide advantages, they do not guarantee
success
.
Instead
, it is the individual's resilience, commitment, and willingness to learn and grow that ultimately determine their level of achievement. In conclusion, both views on the
factors
 contributing to
success
 in life hold some merit.
While
 hard
work
 and
determination
 are essential for overcoming challenges and achieving goals,
factors
such
 as
money
 and
appearance
 can provide advantages in certain situations.
Submitted by zky1705202 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a well-defined position and covers both aspects of the argument, yet it can benefit from deeper analysis and more specific examples to support your points. Try to incorporate real-life instances or more vivid details that demonstrate how hard work and determination manifested in someone's success. This will make your argument more compelling and grounded.
coherence and cohesion
The overall structure of your essay is good, but it can be improved by enhancing the transition between paragraphs. Use more varied transitional phrases to create a smoother flow from one idea to the next. Furthermore, developing a more distinct separation between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion will help maintain a clear and logical structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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