Some people think that success in life comes trom hard work and determination, while others think hot there are more infortant factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Many opinions may say that beauty and property will lead to a successful life.
However
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, it is the writer's
view point
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viewpoint
show examples
that
hardworking
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hard work
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and determination are the initial factors of
success
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. It should be considered that
industrious
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industriousness
show examples
and effort have a profound impact on one's
success
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.
This
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is a long road to go, so tolerance or
hardworking
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hard work
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is needed in everyone's
characteristic
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characteristics
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. By being tolerated,
people
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can develop
sense
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a sense
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of
studious
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studiousness
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during their work and
also
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improve their aim for
career
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a career
the career
show examples
.
As a result
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, those
character
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characteristics
show examples
will help them to strengthen
the
Change the word
their
show examples
determination to
suceed
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succeed
and
also
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training
Wrong verb form
train
show examples
for their own qualities. Taking a
Vienamese
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Vietnamese
business man
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businessman
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as an example,
although
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he had only a little
money
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, he found his own cafe brand and developed it into
a
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an
show examples
international brand
by
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through
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his ambition and effort. It is true when the toehold of
almost
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an almost
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successful life is the capital and a good
appearance
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.
Money
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can assist
people
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a lot in solving and
develop
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developing
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their careers, especially young
people
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who are new founders.
Moreover
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,
appearance
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can help
people
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to have
better
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a better
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experience in meeting with counterparties or
raise
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raising
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money
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for their startup.
For example
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, to be successful in entertainment jobs,
such
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as actors or singers,
require
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requires
show examples
a friendly
appearance
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and properties. From the writer's point of view, studious is much more
pactical
Correct your spelling
practical
than the
appearance
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although
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both aspects have positive effects
to
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on
show examples
our
success
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.
However
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, beauty and
money
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are not
long lasting
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long-lasting
show examples
selection
Fix the agreement mistake
selections
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for their career
while
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having
attempt
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an attempt
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can
strenghthen
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strengthen
the
aimbition
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ambition
slowly.
Furthermore
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,
this
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character can help
people
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to
gian
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gain
experience in their work that can
also
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provide them in
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
fields. In conclusion, indeed working hard can secure a bright future for most of us as an ordinary, but there are some other factors that could
also
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lead to
success
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such
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as great fortune and
mesmerizing
Correct article usage
a mesmerizing
show examples
appearance
Use synonyms
.
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Task Achievement
Develop a balanced discussion by dedicating equal attention and depth to both viewpoints before expressing your opinion. This ensures that both sides are thoroughly explored, contributing to a more complete response.
Task Achievement
Include a clear thesis statement in your introduction to directly address the essay prompt. This sets a focused direction for your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas by using a wider range of cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences that introduce each paragraph’s main idea. This will enhance the clarity and progression of your argument.
General Advice
Proofread your essay to identify and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrases. Consistent accuracy in language use will strengthen the overall quality of your writing.
Task Achievement
Make sure to directly address the essay prompt by discussing both viewpoints and providing specific examples before stating your opinion. This demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
To strengthen your essay, develop each body paragraph around a single main idea and support this idea with detailed examples or evidence. This will enhance your argument's clarity and persuasiveness.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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