IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In contemporary times, it is undoubtedly that youngsters prefer playing online games to playing outdoors with their friends. Some individuals claim that physical
activities
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 are more positive for
children
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 than spending time in front of the computer. I firmly agree with
this
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 statement and
this
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 essay will try to look at the reasons.
To begin
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 with, outdoor
activities
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 play a vital role for
children
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. There are a plethora of
activities
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 that they can do outside their homes
and
Correct word choice
that
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 have positive effects on their
behavior
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behaviour
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. Parents should encourage their youngsters to play outside of the home, so they can make friends with other
children
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.
For example
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, bringing them to play in the playgrounds near their homes, can reduce their addiction to playing games.
Moreover
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, it can stimulate their ability to communicate and enhance their confidence in the community.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 can learn about nature from camping
activities
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 or short hiking with their parents. Taking them to have some vacations is a good approach
for
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to
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 their self-development. It can increase their desire to protect the earth and their knowledge about the objects around them.
Additionally
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, introducing the earth
such
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 as forests, beaches, and animals to youngsters is good for their mental health because they can take time to be calm
due to
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 school
activities
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.
Although
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 it might be dangerous sometimes, it should be tried carefully and adults should supervise their
children
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.
To sum up
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, doing many
activities
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 outside of
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the homes
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homes
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home
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 has positive benefits for
children
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 , particularly for their manner and social well-being.
Moreover
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, adults should participate in observing their
children
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.

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that you fully address the prompt by not only agreeing or disagreeing but also discussing the extent of your agreement or disagreement. It's crucial to present a more nuanced discussion that explores the reasons behind your stance more comprehensively.
Coherence & Cohesion
For a better score in coherence and cohesion, work on creating a more logical flow between paragraphs. Try using a variety of transition words and phrases to link ideas more clearly. Also, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within a paragraph support that idea.
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