In many countries, people increasingly talk about money such as how much they earn or how much they pay for things in their daily conversations. Why? Is this a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, earning and spending
money
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are common topics of conversation between individuals in many countries. There are many factors to
this
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trend in society. I believe that
this
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case has both benefits and drawbacks aspects.
To begin
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with, one of the main reasons
money
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become a hot topic
because
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is because
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of technological advancement.
People
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can easily access information on the internet
such
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as social
media
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to keep in touch with their friends or family.
For instance
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, there are
people
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who show off their daily activities to their friends on social
media
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and it leads to comparing individuals with other
people
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who earn and spend more
money
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based on their activity on social
media
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.
Moreover
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, it
becomes
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has become
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normal situation for
people
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to show and compare their income and expenses on social
media
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,
while
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in the past
people
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rarely talked about
money
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in society.
On the other hand
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, I believe
this
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trend has advantages and disadvantages for development in society. One of the positive sides is many
people
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will be motivated to push themselves to earn more
money
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and
also
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reach the same level of success.
For example
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,
people
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who have a low economic background will have the stimulation to increase their efforts to achieve success.
In contrast
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, there are disadvantages to
this
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case because leads
people
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to become stressed and
low
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have low
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self-esteem by comparing earning and purchasing
money
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with other
people
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.
For instance
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, my friend has low self-esteem because she always compares her economy with
people
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on social
media
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by items that
people
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purchase. In conclusion,
people
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commonly talk about earning and spending
money
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caused by
rapid
Correct article usage
the rapid
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of technology.
This
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case leads
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
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to
people
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to increase their motivation to have more income and become a successful person,
while
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it leads drawback for some individuals become stressed and low self-esteem caused by comparing their economy with
people
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on social
media
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.
Submitted by writingieltsband9 on

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Task Response
To improve the task response, ensure you address all parts of the prompt equally. While you've delved into why money has become a common topic, further exploration into the positive and negative impacts would enhance your essay. Consider dedicating equal portions of your body paragraphs to discussing both sides of the development, and directly tying them back to the question.
Coherence & Cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, focus on the logical flow between your ideas. Your essay benefits from a structured approach, but transitions between paragraphs and sentences could be smoother. Using a wider range of linking phrases and ensuring each paragraph sticks to one main idea would improve readability.
Task Achievement
Try to integrate more specific, real-life examples to strengthen your arguments. While you mentioned a general scenario involving social media, providing more concrete examples or statistics would make your points more persuasive and relevant. This helps in achieving a higher score by showing a deeper understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumerism
  • materialism
  • economic disparity
  • transparency
  • financial planning
  • financial stress
  • culture of comparison
  • societal taboos
  • financial literacy
  • savings
  • investments
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