In many countries, people increasingly talk about money such as how much they earn or how much they pay for things in their daily conversations. Why? Is this a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, earning and spending
money
are common topics of conversation between individuals in many countries. There are many factors to
this
trend in society. I believe that
this
case has both benefits and drawbacks aspects.
To begin
with, one of the main reasons
money
become a hot topic
because
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is because
show examples
of technological advancement.
People
can easily access information on the internet
such
as social
media
to keep in touch with their friends or family.
For instance
, there are
people
who show off their daily activities to their friends on social
media
and it leads to comparing individuals with other
people
who earn and spend more
money
based on their activity on social
media
.
Moreover
, it
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
normal situation for
people
to show and compare their income and expenses on social
media
,
while
in the past
people
rarely talked about
money
in society.
On the other hand
, I believe
this
trend has advantages and disadvantages for development in society. One of the positive sides is many
people
will be motivated to push themselves to earn more
money
and
also
reach the same level of success.
For example
,
people
who have a low economic background will have the stimulation to increase their efforts to achieve success.
In contrast
, there are disadvantages to
this
case because leads
people
to become stressed and
low
Add a missing verb
have low
show examples
self-esteem by comparing earning and purchasing
money
with other
people
.
For instance
, my friend has low self-esteem because she always compares her economy with
people
on social
media
by items that
people
purchase. In conclusion,
people
commonly talk about earning and spending
money
caused by
rapid
Correct article usage
the rapid
show examples
of technology.
This
case leads
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
to
people
to increase their motivation to have more income and become a successful person,
while
it leads drawback for some individuals become stressed and low self-esteem caused by comparing their economy with
people
on social
media
.
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Task Response
To improve the task response, ensure you address all parts of the prompt equally. While you've delved into why money has become a common topic, further exploration into the positive and negative impacts would enhance your essay. Consider dedicating equal portions of your body paragraphs to discussing both sides of the development, and directly tying them back to the question.
Coherence & Cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, focus on the logical flow between your ideas. Your essay benefits from a structured approach, but transitions between paragraphs and sentences could be smoother. Using a wider range of linking phrases and ensuring each paragraph sticks to one main idea would improve readability.
Task Achievement
Try to integrate more specific, real-life examples to strengthen your arguments. While you mentioned a general scenario involving social media, providing more concrete examples or statistics would make your points more persuasive and relevant. This helps in achieving a higher score by showing a deeper understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumerism
  • materialism
  • economic disparity
  • transparency
  • financial planning
  • financial stress
  • culture of comparison
  • societal taboos
  • financial literacy
  • savings
  • investments
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