In many countries, people increasingly talk about money such as how much they earn or how much they pay for things in their daily conversations. Why? Is this a positive or negative development?
Nowadays, earning and spending
money
are common topics of conversation between individuals in many countries. There are many factors to this
trend in society. I believe that this
case has both benefits and drawbacks aspects.
To begin
with, one of the main reasons money
become a hot topic because
of technological advancement. Add a missing verb
is because
People
can easily access information on the internet such
as social media
to keep in touch with their friends or family. For instance
, there are people
who show off their daily activities to their friends on social media
and it leads to comparing individuals with other people
who earn and spend more money
based on their activity on social media
. Moreover
, it becomes
normal situation for Wrong verb form
has become
people
to show and compare their income and expenses on social media
, while
in the past people
rarely talked about money
in society.
On the other hand
, I believe this
trend has advantages and disadvantages for development in society. One of the positive sides is many people
will be motivated to push themselves to earn more money
and also
reach the same level of success. For example
, people
who have a low economic background will have the stimulation to increase their efforts to achieve success. In contrast
, there are disadvantages to this
case because leads people
to become stressed and low
self-esteem by comparing earning and purchasing Add a missing verb
have low
money
with other people
. For instance
, my friend has low self-esteem because she always compares her economy with people
on social media
by items that people
purchase.
In conclusion, people
commonly talk about earning and spending money
caused by rapid
of technology. Correct article usage
the rapid
This
case leads benefit
to Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
people
to increase their motivation to have more income and become a successful person, while
it leads drawback for some individuals become stressed and low self-esteem caused by comparing their economy with people
on social media
.Submitted by writingieltsband9 on
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Task Response
To improve the task response, ensure you address all parts of the prompt equally. While you've delved into why money has become a common topic, further exploration into the positive and negative impacts would enhance your essay. Consider dedicating equal portions of your body paragraphs to discussing both sides of the development, and directly tying them back to the question.
Coherence & Cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, focus on the logical flow between your ideas. Your essay benefits from a structured approach, but transitions between paragraphs and sentences could be smoother. Using a wider range of linking phrases and ensuring each paragraph sticks to one main idea would improve readability.
Task Achievement
Try to integrate more specific, real-life examples to strengthen your arguments. While you mentioned a general scenario involving social media, providing more concrete examples or statistics would make your points more persuasive and relevant. This helps in achieving a higher score by showing a deeper understanding of the topic.
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