Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Dicuss both views and give your opinion

Success
is the main purpose of our life. It is argued that hard work and determination lead to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
accomplishment, but some
people
think that
money
and
appearance
are the crucial elements. From my perspective, I argue with the second statement.
To begin
, achieving
success
is very important and
rely
Correct subject-verb agreement
relies
show examples
on many factors. Many young
people
choose
start-up
Fix the agreement mistake
start-ups
show examples
to be successful.
However
, they have to prepare a large amount of
money
or try to find the
invest
Replace the word
investment
show examples
money
from the investors.
That is
why the capital
play
Change the verb form
plays
show examples
a crucial role in
success
. A good example of
this
is that when young
people
want to establish a small business, they need available
money
to lease the land and buy
infractures
Correct your spelling
infrastructure
.
Secondly
, to become successful
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
a good job with
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
salary. When you apply for a job, the first challenge you have to pass through is the first impression.
The
Correct article usage
Appearance
show examples
appearance
is very important if you go to
interview
Correct article usage
an interview
show examples
.
For instance
,
communicate
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communicating
show examples
with customers or
appear
Wrong verb form
appearing
show examples
in public always prior
a
Change preposition
to a
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person who looks so polite and smart. Hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
is
also
the main factor of
success
. When
people
want to do something, they need to be
enthusiasm
Replace the word
enthusiastic
show examples
and
hard working
Add a hyphen
hard-working
show examples
.
However
, it is not enough, because on the road to
success
Add a comma
success,
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there are a lot of competitors. And
people
who do not have conditions
such
as
money
and
appearance
will
be lose
Change the verb form
be lost
show examples
.
To sum up
,
studious
Replace the word
studiousness
show examples
and determination are important factors.
However
,
money
and
appearance
are crucial because of job demands and relationships.

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task achievement
Make sure that your essay thoroughly addresses the task. Discuss both views presented in the question before stating your opinion. Your essay seems to lean heavily towards the importance of money and appearance, with a brief mention of hard work and determination. Expand your discussion to give equal consideration to both perspectives.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a clear and logical structure throughout your essay. Use paragraphs effectively to differentiate your main points. Try to offer clear transitions between paragraphs that help guide the reader through your argument. This will strengthen the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with specific examples or evidence. While you presented some examples, delve deeper into how these examples support your argument. Specific details will make your argument more convincing and your examples more illustrative.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • tenacity
  • socioeconomic status
  • aesthetic standards
  • meritocracy
  • disparities
  • innate characteristics
  • equitable opportunities
  • success metrics
  • fortuitous circumstances
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