IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearence. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearence
Many individuals think that successful
people
 are hard-working and determined,
whereas
somes
Correct your spelling
some
 believe that finance and
look
Fix the agreement mistake
looks
show examples
 are more crucial.
This
 writer
Change the verb form
agrees
show examples
agree
Add the preposition
agree on
agree to
agree with
show examples
 the former idea because hard-working
people
 can apply for a well-paid
job
,
while
someone
Correct your spelling
some
show examples
 say that the latter is true
due to
job
requirement
Fix the agreement mistake
requirements
show examples
.
To begin
, the main reason why some
people
 say successful
people
 work hard
because
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
 they can get
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 which have a good salary. By way of
explaination
Correct your spelling
explanation
, students
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have high scores
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 exams can go to good
university
Fix the agreement mistake
universities
show examples
 and when students graduate, they can get a wonderful
job
 which
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 them
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
money.
Moreover
,we often listen to successful businessmen,how they started their careers which they do not admire,but ended up being so wealthy and relating
this
 to their dedication and a lot of determination until they reach their passion.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, there are some who believe money is everything in life,it could make you famous and
Add a hyphen
well-known
show examples
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
show examples
.
In addition
 to being wealthy,being
good looking
Add a hyphen
good-looking
show examples
also
 leads you to the same.
Although
 it is somehow correct ,in my opinion, there is much less chance of
this
.In
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
 of
this
,we rarely see a wealthy human who reaches their goal without being dedicated or
whereas
 without working brutally before reaching
this
.
Besides
,being affluent without working will eventually lead to failure.
For example
,a businessman will never succeed only by being rich.
To sum up
,everything mentioned and both views are all keys to
reach
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
 what you want.But in my opinion,it is all about passion and dedication rather than being
good looking
Add a hyphen
good-looking
show examples
 without working hard to succeed.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
To improve your score, focus on structuring your ideas more clearly and logically. Introduce each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, and ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea or argument, supported by specific examples or explanations.
Task Response
Make sure your essay directly addresses all parts of the task. Present a clearer position throughout your response, and ensure that the conclusion effectively summarizes your views and the reasons for them.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: