IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the government should offer financial support and care to old people, while others think people should save money for their future life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #government #offer #support #care #money #future #life
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Some
people
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 argue that it is the obligation of the nation to provide some
support
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 to the elderly, especially
money
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,
while
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 others think the expenditure of the public should be used in the future
instead
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 of certain
people
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. Personally, I understand why some citizens oppose
this
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 plan of spending,
while
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 I definitely believe that our country should spend more on those retired folks. One argument for the idea is that giving more financial
support
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 will have seriously negative development.
Firstly
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, the income of the state is limited, if the government expenses more
money
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 for those persons who do not work any more, there might be a serious financial burden. Socially, these taxes may cause younger
people
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 not to want to raise children as they do not have
exceptional
Correct word choice
sufficient
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money
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 to raise more newborn babies if the office does not have a scheme to compensate
people
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 for the higher taxation.
On the other hand
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, presenting financial
support
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 and care to old
people
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 brings benefits to society. The most prominent is the financial
support
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 from the nation is not give
money
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 to the elderly, the real situation is that the state will construct more healthcare infrastructures, like hospitals, activity
centers
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centres
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day-care services and so on, most of which will not only be used by the elderly but
also
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 some children who are too young to stay at home alone. In conclusion, I firmly believe that if the elders got more financial assistance from the government, the society would be more effective and efficient and ease the stress of caring costs for the families.
However
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, still some citizens worry about the balance between different priorities, like their future savings. The state contributes to the
overall
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 well-being and sustainable development of the nation.
Submitted by Joanna on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main point for clarity. Your paragraphs seem to cover multiple aspects, which can confuse readers. Stick to one clear idea per paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Use more cohesive devices (e.g., however, furthermore, in addition) effectively to link ideas within and across paragraphs. This will improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Clearly address the task by discussing both views mentioned in the prompt fully before giving your opinion. You've covered this, but make sure your opinion is supported by clear reasons and examples to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Enhance your essay by including more specific examples to support your points. While you have some examples, adding detailed instances or evidence can make your argument more convincing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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