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Band 3.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination,while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
In some parts of the world,many people focus on
success
 in
life
 which comes from hard work and determination,but others believe that there are more vital factors
such
 as money and appearance.
This
 essay will
be looked
Wrong verb form
look
show examples
 at both perspectives and
then
 conclude that it is indeed unfair.
To consider some
Verb problem
Some
show examples
 ideas about
success
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
show examples
 from hard work and determination . These things can be true when most
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies around the world employ quality and hardworking staff in order to achieve these demands they need to determine and try hard to collect their grasp on their job.These characters are very important and become a part of
success
 in
life
.
However
,the others follow different ideas that money and appearance are the main factors that help them to succeed in their
life
 .These things may be true with the person who
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a position or inherited from their family.But they do not have any qualifications and grasp about their job.
Due to
 they are not suitable for their
position
Add a comma
position,
show examples
 they are unsuccess in their
life
. In conclusion,it is understandable that some people think that they need to have money and appearance , but these factors damage their
life
 when achieve
success
 and
also
 their company.
Submitted by zky1705202 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay provides a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is positive. However, the organization can be improved by better connecting ideas and using paragraphs effectively to separate different points. Try to use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to make your ideas clear.
task achievement
The essay attempts to discuss both views and give an opinion, but it lacks depth and the development of ideas. To improve, expand your arguments with more detailed examples and explanations. Additionally, ensure that your opinion is stated clearly and is consistent throughout the essay.
task achievement
It would help if you focused on providing clearer and more specific examples to support your arguments. Rather than making general statements, try to use real-world cases or hypothetical scenarios that effectively illustrate your point.
coherence cohesion
The essay's arguments are somewhat repetitive and lack a clear progression. To improve coherence, try to build your arguments logically, leading the reader through your points in a cohesive manner. This includes making clear transitions between paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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