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Band 5.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination,while other think that tere are more important factors such as money and appearance.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #tere #factors #money #appearance
There are those who take the stand that successful
people
 result from them making effective plans,
while
 others argue that other elements
such
 as diligence and fortune are more vital.
This
 essay will discuss both views and give my opinion. On the one hand, working hard with a lot of determination will eventually be the reason for reaching a goal but
this
 needs lots of patience.
For example
, many students in the world try to learn as much as possible to get into a
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 university.
Moreover
, we often listen to successful businessman, how they started their careers which they do not admire, but ended up being so wealthy and relating
this
 to their dedication and lots of determination until they reach their passion.
On the other hand
, there are some who believe
money
 and pretty looks are everything in life. It means that it could make
people
 more famous or could help
people
 to get some promotions and chances. It is fortunate that someone who are beautiful appearance
because
Correct word choice
apply
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they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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can easily
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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get
first
Add an article
a first
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 impression, so they can simply gain many opportunities.
Additionally
,
people
 who are
the
Correct article usage
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rich,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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can use their
money
 to create
a
Remove the article
apply
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success. It can be understandable that if a person is wealthy, they can use their
money
 to invest in some projects or to establish their own company. In my view, I predominantly agree with individuals who believe that success in life
come
Change the verb form
comes
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 from hard work and determination because of
a
Remove the article
apply
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reliability. Actually,
money
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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looks will not exist forever, so
instead
 of depending on
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 factors,
people
 should have a clear plan and hard work to achieve long-term success. In conclusion,
although
 both views
also
 have a benefit, in my opinion, it is all about passion and dedication rather than being good-looking without working hard to succeed.
Submitted by zky1705202 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is commendable. However, to further improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied linking words and phrases to ensure smoother transitions between ideas.
task achievement
For task achievement, you have effectively addressed the prompt, discussing both views and providing your personal opinion. To enhance this area, include more specific examples to support your arguments. This will add depth and relevance to your essay, making your points more convincing.
language use
Be mindful of minor grammatical errors and ensure verb tense consistency throughout your essay. Improving accuracy in language use will contribute positively to your overall score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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